IT'S FREE & YOU'RE INVITED

7PM TONIGHT, JAN 26/09
@
the Vancouver Public Library
there is a

FREE screening
of
"Under Our Skin"
The award wining documentary on Lyme Disease

Also,
WEDNESDAY, JAN 28/09
another
FREE screening
at
University of the Fraser Valley
in
Abbotsford

Details and more info can be found at the bottom of this post.

Here is the link to watch the 5 minute movie trailer:

http://www.underourskin.com/watch.html

OR

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=sxWgS0XLVqw

Link to the film's website:

http://www.underourskin.com/

Nothing like an 11th hour invite. My bad. I'm disgusted with myself to get this info out so late but I have not been well since returning from California last week. I am teetering on the brink of a herx and am not well enough to attend tonight's viewing but I certainly encourage anyone who can to please go! I have seen this movie twice and I found it both informative and hope-inspiring.


***************************************************************

Release

We are having a showing of Under Our Skin at the Vancouver Public Library in the Alice McKay room on January 26th. This is the first public screening in Vancouver.

The event will run from 7:00pm to 10:00pm and will feature guest speakers MLA Adrian Dix (Health Critic for the NDP) and Victoria MLA David Cubberley .

It is very exciting to have Adrian Dix joining David Cubberley at this event. David Cubberley is one of the strongest advocates for Lyme disease patients in British Columbia if not Canada, but unfortunately for us he is not running again in the next provincial election.

The room holds 300 and we are hoping to send a strong message and fill every seat.

Please join us for an informative and important evening. A strong showing at this event will help send a message to Victoria that this is an important issue - and one which is not going to go away. This is doubly important because we are just 4 months away from a provincial election.

The Vancouver Public Library is centrally located in downtown Vancouver right near the skytrain station. See http://www.vpl.vancouver.bc.ca/branches/details/central_library

Brought to you by the Lower Mainland Lyme Disease Support Group and the Canadian Lyme Disease Foundation.

Jim M. Wilson
President
CANADIAN LYME DISEASE FOUNDATION
A Federally-registered Charitable Organization
www.canlyme.com

*******************************************************

ABBOTSFORD SCREENING INFORMATION:

The BC Lower Mainland Group is showing the documentary film "Under Our Skin" at the University of the Fraser Valley Abbotsford campus room B101 Wed Jan 28 at 7:00 pm.

A TIME TO LAUGH, A TIME TO CRY

We are home.
We arrived late last night.

I am exhausted and depressed.

My appointment with DR H was not exactly what we were expecting. His findings were not as positive as we hoped they would be. The results surprised all of us. My neurological and nervous system assessments were not great. Probably about the worst they have ever been. Based on those results and some symptomology that reared it's ugly head towards the end of my drug holiday (namely migraines, night sweats, neuropathies and blurred/blind spots in vision) DR H believes my Babesia infection has once again gained the upper hand.

DR H is working out a treatment strategy. He's trying to balance hitting these diseases hard enough to effectively treat them while trying to keep me somewhat 'comfortable' and 'functional'. I have a complex case and it's gonna take awhile to figure it all out. It is very discouraging but DR H also saw improvements. And I can see those too. That is good. Progress is being made...we are on the road to recovery however no light at the end of the tunnel can be seen just yet.

Anyhow, just a small update for now.
I'll get around to more details another day.
I'll be okay.
Crazy travels. Tough Appointment. Rough stuff happening on the home front.
It was just a really hard trip all the way around.
But the sun shone.
It was really warm. Even I was warm. Shocking!
And I have some funny stories to share.
There is a time for laughing. There is a time for crying.
Right now I am crying.
That's okay.
The laughter will come.
I need to Decompress.
Refocus. Rest. Trust.
That will help to refresh my lagging spirit.

FINALLY IN SAN FRAN

We finally made it to San Fran...a mere 50 hours past our original arrival time.

I'm exhausted and depleted but relieved to finally be here.

Thanks so much for the prayers and emails of support. We totally appreciate them!

Will update more as soon as I am able...certainly have some stories to tell!

FLIGHT IS A NO GO!

NO JOKE!

Our flight has once again been canceled due to weather.

We are now implementing Plan B.

Heading to Seattle and flying out tomorrow.

DELAYS, DELAYS, NOTHING BUT DELAYS

We are still in Bellingham. We have been at the airport now since 1:30pm. Our flight has now been delayed 3 times. Our new departure time has been scheduled for 6:40pm tonight. We just heard a rumor that the flight could still be canceled due to weather. Hopefully it is just a rumor!

I feel pretty bad for the folks that are having their holidays delayed by all this - especially the ones that were planning on having a weekend get-away! I feel somewhat responsible as I have decided that these delays are part of my Trust journey. lol. I'm thinking that I should have a t-shirt made that reads;

"I am on a Trust Journey...Beware if you are in close proximity to me!"

Ha ha. Very funny. Not! The fun of this has long since worn off. Truth be told, I am grumpy and totally exhausted.

Despite having the most luxurious bed to sleep in last night, I only got a grand total of 3 hours sleep. I was kept awake by really bad night sweats. The kind of night sweats that are so extreme that by the time I have toweled off, I am already dripping wet again. I had to change my pajama shirt at 3 am and my sweats were so severe that it was still soaking wet at 9am this morning. The night sweats are caused by my Babesia infection. I think that they have been exacerbated by the IV Zithromax. Zithromax is a key abx defensive for Babesia. Yuck.

So here I sit and wait and sit and wait, and sit and wait.
Delays, delays, nothing but delays.
I have decided I need to be done with my grumpiness.
After all, it could be a lot worse than it is.

Thankfully, our hotel graciously extended our check out time today.
Thankfully, I am not super sick.
Thankfully, our kids are not with us.
Thankfully, we still have 40 hours before we need to be at DR H's office.
Thankfully, the airport lobby has free internet access.

Hopefully the next time I blog it will be from SF.

Thank you for your prayers.
Don't stop.
Don't ever stop!

WE MISSED OUR FLIGHT!

We missed our flight to San Fran today...due to foggy weather all flights were cancelled. Which was seriously puzzling given that it was sunny blue skies!


Our flight has been tentatively re-scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. If the fog comes back then the flight will be cancelled and our trip will have to be re-scheduled. Never a dull moment!



We are traveling with our buddy Peter this time around. He has LD and is being treated by DR H too. We all set off at 10 am this morning for our flight which was departing Bellingham, WA at 2:10pm. Bellingham, is about a 45 minute drive from our home + however long it takes to get through the border line-up. The border thing can be dicey and adds a lot of extra travel time but it is worth the trouble as flights out of Bellingham are by far the cheapest we have ever found. Leaving at 10 am meant that I had to run my IV en route.


We did not learn that all flights out of the Bellingham airport had been canceled until we got to the terminal. We were just unloading our luggage in front of the terminal when we encoutered a steady stream of slightly perturbed passengers exiting and muttering how the flights had all been canceled. We couldn't believe what we were hearing. We DIDN'T believe what we were hearing! We were totally dumbstruck when airport staff confirmed the rumor.

Yikes! Now what?

We decided to spend the night in Bellingham. It's stressful and tiring getting across the border as we have to leave early as it is difficult to anticipate what the border line-ups will be like. Doing that 2 days in a row would take a lot out of me. Additionally our leaving has been really hard on Avery and we decided that it would be extra hard on her for us to say goodbye two days in a row.

Thankfully we were able to cancel our hotel booking for tonight in SF with full refund. This confirmed our decision to stay overnight in Bellingham as we weren't going to incur any extra charges. I got on the lap top in the airport and tried to find a hotel for the same rate we pay for our creepy old hotel in SF.


I located a couple of prospects that looked promising, so we set off to investigate these various cheapy hotels in the Bellingham area. The pickings were pretty slim and really grim. Even Peter and Graham were alarmed! We finally found one hotel that was doable however it smelled pretty bad. We're not hotel snobs but it's a stretch to be sick in a smelly environment! We hemmed and hawed and then Peter suggested we try Priceline.com. The travel website that is endorsed by William Shatner! How can you lose with Willy on your side!

The premise of priceline is that you choose the price that you are willing to pay and then bid for a hotel at that price. Priceline then tries to find you a hotel at that price. If one is found at your said price than your bid is accepted. The catch is that you are not told which hotel you are booked at until AFTER you have paid for it. Slightly dicey and risky but somehow curiously enticing. Carpe Diem! Live on the edge! (Seriously, that is living on the edge for me!)

I totally got on board with the idea when I learned that you can specify your price PLUS choose the class rating of the hotel. You know like 1* rating is budget, 3-5* rating is upscale.

We are 1* hotel people all the way, all the time however I decided we should bid for an upscale hotel for the same rate as what we pay at our schizoid hotels in SF. Why not? We had nothing to lose! GO BIG OR GO HOME!

We placed our ridiculously cheap bid, crossed our fingers and breathlessly stared at Willy while we waited to see if our bid would be accepted or rejected!

Bid... ACCEPTED!
Way to go, Willy!

Instant Jubilation and Total Glee!
We were totally impressed with ourselves!

We were pretty excited when we checked into our upscale at bargain basement priced hotel! Even better when we discovered the roomy rooms contained the most deliciously, luxurious beds ever! Wow! They were even decorated with bolster cushions and decorative blankets draped over the foot of the bed! Totally appeals to my inner interior designer! We are living the good life in Bellingham tonight.



Please pray for our flight to be a go tomorrow.

At this point we're not sure what to do about our Plan B if our flight tomorrow is once again cancelled. From where we sit right now, the alternatives are not overly appealing. One option would be to fly out of Seattle. Flights out of Seattle are very expensive.

Our other option would be for us to cancel our appointments with DR H and try to go again in the next couple weeks. However, DR H's office policy clearly states that patients are charged if you cancel without 48 hrs notice. I am sure that DR H would be very sympathetic to our plight but we cannot get in touch with his office until Monday morning. The clincher is that Peter's appointment is scheduled for first thing Monday morning at 9am and mine is for 10am. Our appointments are an HOUR long and are extremely expensive.

Either way Plan B appears to be pretty sucky...but we are Trusting for God to make a way!

We are praying that Plan B will be a no go and that our flight tomorrow will be a go!

Even though we seem to be in a bit of a predicament, I can't help but have a little chuckle. After all, it's pretty funny how my call to TRUST prevades every aspect of this journey!

I got another migraine as we were heading out to dinner tonight but a handful of meds have brought it down to a dull roar. So, I'm hanging in okay. It's been a long and crazy day. But we've had a lot of fun too!

Now, I'm off to bed...in my great big fluffy, deliciously luxurious bed!!

THE FINE ART OF PACKING

We're leaving for San Fran tomorrow morning. It's time, once again, for an in-office visit with DR H.

I have spent most of the day dealing with the arduous task of packing for it.
It is a rather challenging feat to complete.
The fine art of packing comes into play when one is traveling with a plethora of IV meds in tow. And is determined to fit all of it into carry-on luggage.



We are only going for 4 days however, in addition to all my medical supplies, I have to somehow squeeze a lot of layers and cozy clothes into my small, carry-on suitcase. A tiny suitcase. I repeat, a LOT of meds and a LOT of warm clothes all into one TINY suitcase.

Alright, I confess.
My packing prowess fell a little short.

It took 2 suitcases...but they are 2 Tiny suitcases.

Would you believe me if I said that the second suitcase was necessary only because of my husband's plethora of hair care products?

"Hey, I work with what I got!"

I have nearly frozen my butt off every time we've been down to California to see DR H. I shake and I quake the whole time I'm there. (Oh no! Did I just say Quake and California in the same sentence?!) Yes, I know my internal temperature issues and shaking, which is a Lyme seizure phenom, probably have more to do with the disease than the weather however I am probably the only person in the world who can travel to the sunny state of California and be cold. Freezing cold. I've checked the weather and apparently it is supposed to be balmy 18-20 C...of course that is cold for the locals so I'm hoping I won't look too out of place wearing my cozy, fur trimmed winter coat. A 'cool' Christmas gift from my friend Erin!


Regardless of what the weather man says, I'm going to be prepared.

While I am freezing my butt off in sunny California, my folks will be holding down the fort at home. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.
As well as our kids.

Avery is having a hard time 'letting' us go. She has been sad and very emotional this week. Which we found somewhat puzzling because she LOVES spending time with Nanny and Poppy. Tonight, we finally realized that she equates our trips to CA with mom getting deathly ill. Every time I have come back from California, I have gotten really, really sick. The last 2 times, DR H started me on new treatment protocols which left me bedridden each time for 6-8 weeks.

Parker has been quiet this week. Quiet = Worried with Parker.

Taylor will be leaving tomorrow morning for a weekend long basketball tournament in Courtney on Vancouver Island. So far this season the Burnett Breakers are at 20 wins - 3 losses. Go, Breakers, Go!

IV MEDS x 2 = MAJOR HEADACHES

I am now on Day 5 of Rocephin and today I added in my second IV med.
IV Zithromax.
I am currently piggy backing the meds. I start with Rocephin which takes 45 minutes to administer then I flush my line and start the Zithromax which takes 60 minutes to infuse. All in all, the whole process takes about 2.5 hrs each morning.

I was actually feeling pretty good today after running my first dose of Zithro. Good enough to drive over to my folks house to pick up some suitcases (we are leaving on Friday for San Fran to see DR H ). I was so happy to be feeling so good. And then a mere 6 blocks after leaving my mom and dad's I got hit with a migraine. I have major visual disturbances when my migraines begin so I had to immediately pull over. I called Graham to let him know I would be delayed. He urged me to call my folks and have them come and get me. I knew they'd happily do it in a heartbeat however I was so upset at having to endure another migraine ( this is my 2nd in the past 5 days) that I knew if I saw my mom I'd just be a big bawl baby. So I chose to just wait it out and then push through with the rest of my day once my vision returned.

I have had 6 migraines in the past 30 days and only re-started treatment 5 days ago, so I can't really blame the IV meds for my headaches. I'm not entirely sure what is up with this sudden crop of migraines - sure glad I'll be seeing DR H on Monday and can pick his brain about it.

Maybe my IV meds aren't a literal headache however they are a great big figurative headache.


We have spent most of this week and a bit of last having to deal with the tangled web that getting set up on IV entails. Initially, when I started IV under American care we had a steep learning curve. We faced many challenges and difficulties just simply filling the prescriptions, finding suppliers and pharmacists, learning how to re-constitute meds ourselves...the list goes on and on. It is always a lot of work, overwhelming and stressful. But, thankfully, it is now less stressful than it was when we first started out. After a lot of trial and error and tons of phone calls, we have finally found some amazingly compassionate and caring pharmacists and pharmacies. However, the landscape of Lyme is ever changing. The minute you have finally figured out where to get this med and how to re-constitute it, your treatment changes and you are back at square 1. The whole song and dance begins each time new meds are prescribed.

This time around has been no exception. While the Rocephin is not a new med for me to be on, prior to this week we had never had to re-constitute it ourselves. We had to learn how to do that this week. In addition to that, we had to learn how to infuse the Zithro and had some challenges getting the Zithro rx filled because there was a shortage of it with the pharmaceutical suppliers.

Then there is the IV med Storage Headache! Re-constituting the meds ourselves is the most cost effective way to administer IV but it means that our home is beginning to look like a mini-pharmacy.

The Storage Headache:

This is a ONE month supply!

OUR CLOSET PHARMACY

Some how we survive.
My literal headache is still raging on.
However the IV headache is now contained and the ball is rolling.

TUESDAYS WITH MO

We are breathing a collective sigh of relief today...a dust-free sigh of relief. My friend Maureen, who generously comes every other Tuesday to clean our home for us, was back today after a much deserved hiatus.

Maureen touched base with us back in fall and offered to help us by cleaning our home. It was an offer we humbly accepted. Once upon a time, when I was capable of taking care of my home and my family, I used to daydream about being able to hire someone to clean my home. In theory, it sounded so great, every busy mom's fantasy. However, then I'd realize that was a fantasy that I'd probably never be relaxed enough to enjoy. I knew I'd be too embarrassed to have anyone see my mess. In fact, when I thought hard enough about it, I realized it'd probably be more work to have someone clean for me because I would have to clean BEFORE they came to clean!

Lyme has allowed me to let go of my pride and Maureen's joyful spirit and contagious laugh has helped me to embrace the fruition of the cleaning fantasy. Her help has been such a blessing and has helped to alleviate a huge burden, most of which was carried by Graham and Taylor. We are all so appreciative of this very practical, much needed help. Even more than that, I have quickly come to appreciate and look forward to our Tuesday morning chats. Maureen is a special woman with a personality that outshines the sparkling condition she leaves our home in.

Amazingly enough, she insists that the house had better be dirty when she comes (no problem there!) so that she can see the difference when she is done. Trust me, she makes a difference...not only in our home but also in our hearts. I just hope she knows that. And given the bleary-eyed, exhausted state she is in after anihilating our dust bunnies, tackling our toilets and hoovering our debris, I hope she is concious enough to see it.

I am so grateful for Tuesdays with Mo.

DUSTING OFF THE IV POLE

As I type this I am hooked up to IV.
Today signifies the end of my drug holiday.
I have Rocephin free flowing through my veins and tumultuous emotions washing over me.

The anticipation of today has made this a difficult week for me. Not because I expect today to bring any catastrophic herx with it but because of all that dusting off the IV pole represents.



I have spent the week with my emotions dizzily catapulting between polar opposite ends of the spectrum. One moment I'm irritated and depressed and scared to death of what is coming. The next I'm humming Rocky tunes in my head. Eye of the tiger played over and over. Staring the beast dead in the eye. Ready to fight. Hungry to fight.

The next moment I'm on the verge of tears. So overwhelmed by everything that it is useless to fight the urge. I find myself knocked on my knees, engulfed by great big, full body, hiccuping, messy, bunched up, ugly faced crying. Assaulted by fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the known. Panic and despair washing over me. It feels like the nightmare is starting again. Not that it ever really went away. But not having to face tubing, needles, and the endless litany of stress that accompanies all that IV treatment entails has helped to keep the fight at an emotional arms length. My drug holiday has been a physical break that has made pretending the fight doesn't exist a possibility.

Yes, this has been a tough week. I have been bombarded with a cavalcade of emotions ripping through my heart, mind and soul.

I am weak. I am strong. I can do it. No I can't. Bring it on. Make it go away. Brave face, heavy heart, courage is a fickle fleeting feeling. Give voice to the negative but stay positive. Live in reality, but remain hope filled. A fine line to tread. Remain hopeful but guard your heart. Fighting carries the expectation that there is a winner and a loser. How do you expect the best yet prepare for the worst? I will win. Lyme will lose. But at what cost? I fight a cunning opponent. A screaming demon that will not quietly retreat into the dead of the night. No it rages on. And I move forward in trust. Back into a battle that has no determinable ending. A fight, a battle, a desert race where the finish line is a wicked, wavering dream, a mirage that crushingly disappears the moment it appears to be within reach.

But all battles eventually end.
One day, this nightmare will be over.
One day, I will win this fight.
One day, I will re-claim my life from the living death that this fight is.

And that is what dusting off the IV pole represents.

MY CONVALESCING COUCH

We have a new couch.
A wonderful Christmas gift from my folks!

Seeing as a good 75% of my life is spent in the prone position on a couch, I consider it MY couch.

MY CONVALESCING COUCH!

My family is thrilled with this gift too. Because it means that they are no longer relegated to spending family movie night on the floor. Our new couch is a sectional and even with me lying on it, there is plenty of room for all of us.

Getting my convalescing couch into our home proved to be quite an ordeal for Graham and Taylor. They had to hoof this bad boy over some extremely snowy and mountainous terrain. I helped by supervising from our old couch.


Old is probably the understatement of the century. Our old couch was actually ancient. I had rescued it from my great aunt's apartment about 8 years ago - the interior designer in me could see past the scandalous 70's plaid to the bones of the thing. It had good bones - nothing a slip cover couldn't rectify. But alas the thing was purchased from WOODWARDS in the 1970s and it desperately needed to be retired.

Come to think of it. I had a lot in common with that old couch. Both of us were birthed in the 70s. Both of us appear to look pretty good yet we are incredibly uncomfortable. Both of us are flat and our internal mechanics are in disrepair. We creak. We screech. And if you pat me hard enough, I'd probably have dusty particles erupt from my arms too!

I love my new convalescing couch.
It's the first new piece of furniture we've ever owned!
It's pretty. It's white. It's incredibly comfy.
And it's cushions are feather-filled! hee hee.



Just so happens it's entry into our lives has been well timed, too.
I have had a lot of company on my couch this week as my husband has injured his back. Fortunately, his injury was not incurred while moving the couch, rather it is the result of rough housing with the kids. Unfortunately, he has injured himself quite badly. He is in a lot of pain. A lot. He has difficulty walking and standing. About the only position he is comfortable in is when he is sitting. On my couch.

So I have been sharing my convalescing couch with him. I am so generous.

YOU KNOW IT'S TIME...

You know it's time to take down the Christmas decorations when...

the ornaments are collecting dust,


the designer tree, which is fake, is burnt out and dying a slow tortuous death


and the kid tree is leaning so precariously that it defies gravity and logic.




It's funny how quickly that which has brought such joy from its beauty and been so revered can almost overnight come to look comical and even somewhat revolting. Oh yes, hate to admit it, but somehow my beautiful bedazzled feathered coop was beginning to feel more like a pigsty.

Dust.
Clutter.
Stuff.
Everywhere.

Where to even start?
The thought has been completely overwhelming.

Aside from having a really 'great day' on December 23 and a 'not so bad' day on Boxing Day, the majority of the past 2 weeks has seen me keeping my couch company almost exclusively with fatigue and neuropathic pain as my constant companions.

What do you do when your coop is over run and the more you move, the worse you get?
Call in recruitments!

Actually, I didn't have to call them in...amazingly they willingly came on their own! My mom called earlier this week to let me know that her and my dad would help with the monumental task of de-feathering my coop and rescuing my trees from their impending doom.




Yesterday was the day we re-claimed the house from the birds! It actually turned into a bit of a family affair. Avery insisted on helping. The boys not so much insisting...more like huffing and puffing 8 rubbermaid tubs full of decor down to the bowels of the basement. Fortunately for me, I had to leave for my scheduled detox appointments before the monumental take down was complete. I felt somewhat guilty as I drove off leaving the poor fam covered in downy, glittery debris. However 5 minutes into my lymph massage, I was quickly reminded of why I cringe at the word 'massage'. This rapidly relieved any guilt I had about ditching the Christmas mess. I merely swapped it for a different form of torture.

By the time I got home from my massage and foot detox, the coop was de-feathered, the halls de-bedecked and the trees de-bobbled and laid to rest.

Ahh, yes, my gloriously pristine and clutter free home.
Not only that but amazingly enough, my mom had somehow managed to put fresh sheets on the beds, empty our overflowing laundry basket, AND make a fabulous dinner to boot. All that was required of me was to limp in and crash on the couch and gratefully survey my surroundings.

My home looked wonderfully naked.
So lovely. And bare.

Actually a little too bare...
EEK, I quickly noticed that along with all my fine feathered friends, my Crows had disappeared!

My crows are not seasonal decor. No way! They are full time lifers.

Fortunately, I was able to quickly set that abomination right by rescuing them their rubbermaid tomb and putting them back in their rightful nesting place.




Both my dad and Graham claim that the crows were merely mistakenly packed away...however given their history with crows, I am slightly suspicious of that claim.

MY PRAYER FOR THE NEW YEAR

"The birth of the baby Jesus stands as the most significant event in all history, because it has meant the pouring into a sick world of the healing medicine of love which has transformed all manner of hearts for almost 2,000 years."
-George Mathhew Adams

So here I am on this the threshold of a new year. I wonder what is to come and I ponder what I wish, hope, and pray that it will hold. Ultimately my mind wanders to those that live with this insidious disease and I wish for health for us all. I hope that 2009 will be the year that the medical and political barriers surrounding the diagnosis and treatment of LD will be broken down. And above all else, I hope that 2009 will be the year a cure is found for Chronic Late Stage Lyme.

And of course, I know that pain and suffering is not unique to just those of us living with Lyme. No the human experience is rife with pain and joy, hope and despair, wins and losses, successes and failures, and suffering beyond comprehension. I wish for all my friends and family to have a year that is exempt from the toil, the pain, the suffering that is part of the journey of life.

Ultimately my deepest desire, my sincerest prayer for this new year is that all should come to experience the love that is to be found in the miracle that unfolded in a stable 2,000 years ago. God loved us so much that He sent His son to heal this broken world. That wrapped up in that babe in the manger is the most profound gift of love the world has and can ever know. The miracle of it all is that love is a free gift offered to all, no strings attached. A gift not based on anything we have done, could do, or should do.

That love is what carries me through the darkest nights...although I have not always recognized or accepted that love for what it is. Pre-Lyme I have lived through some pretty tough stuff, walked through times of abandonment and abuse and wondered where was God when I was hurting. In my anger and bitterness, I wanted answers to my questions. When I couldn't find the answers than I needed someone or something to blame. I played the blame game... with God taking top honors as the fall guy. All that left me with was a sense of betrayal and emptiness. It took a lot of years for me to recognize or acknowledge that it was I who walked out on God, not the other way around.

So when Lyme hit, I made the conscious choice to not box God in by trying to explain nor expect to understand the whys and hows. I have never asked "Why me?". I simply choose not to go there. But, that's not to say that I haven't struggled with wanting to know the answers to some perplexing and painful questions. Why is my healing taking so long? Why is it coming at such great emotional, physical and financial cost? Where is the working it out for my 'good' in it all? How is this 'good' for my kids, my husband, my family? Did God 'give' me Lyme or 'allow' me to get Lyme? Or is pain, suffering and sickness just the natural consequences of living in this broken world? We live in tough times and I don't have the answers. And I think that religious platitudes given even with the most sincere of intentions can do more harm than good. I certainly don't wish to hash out the great theological debates that can rage over the subject of pain and suffering. Or why bad things happen to good people. I can't even answer my 5 year old daughter's question of "Mama, why did God make ticks?"

No, I don't know the answers.
And I am okay with not knowing.

What I choose to do is just simply trust that God is carrying me through. That he has a plan and a purpose for my life and most of all, He loves me. The knowledge of his love resonates deep within my soul because I have experienced it in the deepest, darkest moments of my life. When I have been drowning in an abyss of hopelessness and utter despair, and given up all hope, His love is what saved me.

From my heart to yours, from a fellow pilgrim who is bruised and battered and battle weary on this inexplicable journey called life, my prayer for the new year is that you too should experience this same love. God's Love is intensely personal, limitless and unconditional. It is the one love that is not the least bit based on how much I deserve it. It is the one love that can never lessen or fail.

To accept this gift, is to experience the healing power of His love.

"This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in Him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life." - John 3:16, The Message

That is my prayer for this new year.
There is always hope.
Don't give up
You are loved.


Please watch:
Don't Give Up, You are Loved - by Josh Groban
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Swl4YKCOetc