THE LAST 2 WEEKS

"I cannot bear it!" said the pewter soldier.
"I have shed pewter tears! It is too lonely and melancholy! Rather let me go to the wars and lose arms and legs! It would at least be a change. I cannot bear it any longer!"

i've spent the past 2 weeks waiting for test results.
the wait has been beyond hard
beyond stressful
beyond painful
and
it has been excruciatingly slow
and
agonizingly long

over the past several weeks i have had to have a plethora of tests done because of some seriously whacked and abnormal lab results.

the preliminary findings were indicative of a parathyroid adenoma.

adenoma is a fancy word for benign glandular tumor.

i was told that,
"90% of the time these lab findings are indicative of a parathyroid adenoma"

90%!!! yikes.
needless to say, with odds like that, and the fact that my doctor not only had 'the look' when he told me this (he had that same grim look when he delivered the lesion news - he'd never make it as a poker player!) but he also crossed the room and sat down beside me to tell me this, is it any wonder that i have spent the past 2 weeks on the verge of a nervous breakdown? trying to reconcile all of this in my mind, in my heart and given that i am still trying to process the whole shock of the unexpected brain lesion diagnosis - which still has me completely rattled, i have fully expected and feared the probability of an adenoma lurking in me.

lovely
a benign tumor
hanging out in my neck
Lyme, Lesions and Now a tumor?
lovely
i need that about as much as i need a shot in the head

i finally got the results on monday
and i pretty much had a nervous breakdown
bottomed out
hit the ground

i do NOT have tumor
i repeat
i do NOT have a tumor
and yes
i was hysterically upset by this news

rather then feel relief, i freaked
i cried
i raged
i sobbed and sobbed
i grieved

i've spent the past 2 weeks scared to be diagnosed with an ADDITIONAL condition and now i'm upset that i DON'T have it?

i am certifiable!
girl, give those lesions in your head a shake!
seriously!

pretty messed up, eh?
yup
not really rational thinking
but as messed up as it sounds,
at least that condition had a foreseeable, predictable END....and straightforward treatment...yes, i would have faced surgery but that would have quickly ELIMINATED the problem and rapidly relieved this barrage of new symptoms that i have been plagued with for the past 6 weeks...(my latest symptoms masterfully mimic the symptoms associated with parathyroid tumors)

but now
no, no, no
there is NO relief in sight
and i have had enough
enough
enough

everything, all of it,
my lesions
my symptoms
my pain
this never ending cycle of pain and disability
of madness, insanity and relentless agony
up and down, up and down, down, down
all of it, every last bit of it is
lyme
the disease that won't lie down and die
argh
wretched frustration
utter exhaustion
when will this end?
i am so sick and sad and tired of it all

despair
and
hope

hope
and
despair

breathe in hope
breathe out despair

what i know
and
what i feel
are 2 different things

act on what you know
not on what you feel

i feel the impossibility of fighting this disease
but
i know that God has promised to heal
and so i wait


breathe in hope
breathe out despair