THE COURAGE TO HEAL

"pain is temporary. it may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. if i quit, however, it lasts forever." -lance armstrong

pain can also be very motivating.

my pain levels have reached an all time high.
and once resolved symptoms are now returning.
amidst the pain, i have had a light bulb moment of realization.

treatment really was working.

duh.

not only did my pain inspire that Oprah-esque "A-HA" moment
it, also, motivated me to finally put in a call to DR H.
given my body's current state of treatment revolt, i wasn't sure what exactly could be done but at least i was willing to FINALLY TRY to do something.

so, last Monday morning found me armed with a new treatment plan from DR H...

no abx for the time being. my body is too weak to handle a herx...so right now, we're working at building up my body, pain management, and dealing with my toxicity issues. my toxicity levels are high. dealing with this is currently the top priority because they are now effecting my body's ability to process food. for this reason, DR H has put me on a pre-digested diet - yes, it is as gross as it sounds.

DR H is an amazingly smart doctor. his level of knowledge about both traditional and less conventional medicine often leaves me astounded.

his latest treatment plan is good. it's comprehensive. it makes sense. seems do-able. yes, even the pre-digested part is doable. barely.

however
despite my confidence in this new plan
following through with it is so very difficult

obviously, the physical aspect of choking back 50+ pills a day and the foul liquid diet is a challenge
but even more difficult to stomach
is the emotional war that has churned and roiled within me.

over the past couple of weeks, i knew that God was moving me towards further and continued treatment under the care of DR H.
in fact, through all manner of ways, he made it pretty crystal clear,
ABUNDANTLY evident, in fact, that right now

treatment is God's prescription plan for me

I KNOW IT
but
i don't like that
not one little bit

however, like it or not,
i was finally seeking and trying treatment!
and so in essence, i was following HIS plan for me, right?
sure. great.

except

I KNEW
that it was crippling arthritic pain, fear and panic
that had fueled my desire for treatment

I KNEW
that moving forward was not based on an authentic obedience nor was it born because of an unwavering faith that this agonizing process of treatment is what God is using to heal me.

and for that reason, i became a quintessential study of neurotic contradictions:

i can, i can't
i will, i won't
i do, i don't
i will win, i will lose
choose life, beg for death
cry without ceasing, too numb to cry
see light, be completely ensconced in deepest, depressive darkness
laugh once or twice, scream mercilessly
rebel, surrender

(congratulations, you've just survived the last 30 seconds of the dialogue that is raging in my head.) oh what fun! this exhaustive neurotic, analytical storm has brutalized my mind 24/7 for the past several weeks.

it is difficult to even put it all into words
however
i read a quote today on a dear friends FB page that put an eloquent spin on the craziness that plagues my being....i have no idea the context of it but hoo-yah did it speak to my soul...

"the war isn't because of a lack of not knowing what to do. The war is overcoming all the physical and circumstantial evidence contrary to our hope that sways our emotions. Having believed something in our hearts, the war is now in our souls; it is the struggle between thought and emotion."


i don't want this journey to include treatment anymore.
anything but more treatment, lord!

i do not,
have not,
cannot see,
how this can even be
i do not,
have not,
cannot understand
that this is healing me
anything but more treatment, lord!
why i'd even try green eggs and ham!
(ok, slightly random, but it seemed to go)

my body is weak
and
my mind is wary
and
my spirit is weary

with arms contemptuously crossed over a heart that was both stubbornly petulant and softly surrendered, i have begged, pleaded, raged expletives, prayed fervently, and refused to pray. i have quietly pondered and furiously wondered out loud. i have spent days devouring and scouring the scriptures, and spent many other days maniacally staring my bible down... all in a desperate attempt to find a different answer; to find a more do-able plan of healing than the one i know he has chosen for me.

he didn't change his answer
nope
BUT
he did give me something huge.

the anecdote to my fear and panic

through Him and in Him,
i received the
COURAGE to follow HIS treatment PLAN for me.

COURAGE
to face the insurmountable

COURAGE
to do the impossible.

COURAGE
to keep walking this agonizing journey

COURAGE
to keep trusting

COURAGE
to move forward in an act of faith in the midst of an impossible situation

COURAGE
to heal

"Courage, daughter. You took a risk of faith, and now you are well." - Matt 9:22