THE LIFE STORM

"Father, help us not to resent the storms of life or be fearful of their effects. much like we prepare for a ravaging storm by anchoring valuables to a firm foundation, help us to anchor our hearts in the firm foundation of Your Word that will help us to withstand the testings and trials of life that are certain to come our way. even as a ship is proven to be seaworthy over its lifetime, may our faith be proven trustworthy as we hold onto You, the Anchor for our soul. Amen"

~God is my anchor devotional

while we were in SF, i spent a lot of time struggling to come to terms with the course of treatment that we face with the boys. it was and is so hard. i am and have been dealing with so many fears. upon returning from SF, in the midst of grappling with this lyme storm and just when i was at my physically weakest point, we were hit hard with another storm.

this latest storm has left me emotionally tattered and battered. i have struggled immensely with how to be public with my pain yet remain private with my circumstance. all i can say is that those i love most in this world are hurting and this has caused me considerable pain and unrest. this life storm is unbearable to me. all i can share is what God is teaching me in the midst of it.

is it coincidence that i've just come away from a week in which our ultimate edition grande marquis spawned a boating theme? i think not. it has caused me to delve deep into all things boating as they pertain to God. this has been my life preserver in the midst of my shipwrecked emotions. and yet, in the wake of this latest monsoon, the comfort and peace i derived from them has left me wondering and questioning how they pertain to this additional storm. after all, things just got worse. forget the white knuckled, waterlogged boat ride, i've toppled overboard right into a raging sea of pain and doubt and chaos.

i am drowning here Lord. if i have toppled overboard as i feel i have, then where are you? are you still in the boat or in the midst of the stormy sea with me? will you ever rescue me? life just keeps getting worse. and i can't take it anymore. life is unbearable and i do not have the strength to withstand it. just when i think i've hit rock bottom, rock bottom gives way and plunges me into even deeper depths. and it is just not fair and when will it stop? and why do some folks seem to sail right through life facing only a few storms while others spend most of their life bailing out their boat just to stay afloat?

and on and on my breaking heart and troubled mind have screamed these questions and more. ah yes, the force of this monsoon has assaulted me with the winds of fear and doubt. and so i have found myself submerged in the deepest of deeps.

as max lucado writes:

"doubt storms are turbulent days when the enemy is too big, the task too great, the future too bleak and the answers too few. they leave us with tough questions. throw-in-the-towel questions. you wonder if it is a blessing or a curse to have a mind that never rests...and who are you to ask such questions anyway?"

thank you max, at least i know that i am not alone in my questioning.

but back to my dilemma of drowning. and my current state of affairs which are well, incomprehensible to be blunt. yet, i don't know what has been worse to bear - the situation itself or the fear that it has stirred up within me.

again, i defer to max:

"fear feels dreadful. it sucks the life out of the soul, curls us into an embryonic state and drains us."

yup. that pretty much describes my status over this past week.

max is a great writer. in fact, i love his style. yet max, in all his gloriously talented penmanship, is not enough to pull me out of the furiously raging sea i've been tossed into. only God can keep me bouyant at a time when i have not the strength or desire to tread water. so back to the bible i have gone...

to find courage.
to find strength.
to find hope.
to find peace.
to find my savior...

matt 14:27-32
"but instantly He spoke to them, saying, "take courage! I AM! stop being afraid!"
and peter answered Him, "Lord, if it is You, command me to come to you on the water."
He said, "come!"
so peter got out of the boat and walked on the water, and he came toward Jesus. but when he perceived and felt the strong wind, he was frightened, and as he began to sink, he cried out, "Lord, save me!" instantly Jesus reached out His hand and caught and held him, saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" and when they got into the boat, the wind [storm] ceased."

given the overboard status i harbor in my mind, do i have the courage to believe that God is still in control - that i have not just randomly toppled overboard as the result of some cosmic mishap?
bottom line, whether i am in the boat or out of the boat, Jesus is with me. yet, do i trust him to rescue me? do i have the courage to believe that He will pluck me out of this murky, raging sea? i hold fast to the hope that not only will He put me back in my battered little boat but that He will get me to the other side just as he has promised.

psalm 107:23-31

some of you set sail in big ships;
you put to sea to do business in faraway ports.
out at sea you saw God in action,
saw his breathtaking ways with the ocean:
with a word he called up the wind ~
an ocean storm, towering waves!
you shot high in the sky, then the bottom dropped out;
your hearts were stuck in your throats.
you were spun like a top, you reeled like a drunk,
you didn't know which end was up.

then you called out to God in your desperate condition;
he got you out in the nick of time.
he quieted the wind down to a whisper,
put a muzzle on all the big waves.
and you were so glad when the storm died down,
and he led you safely back to harbor.
so thank God for his marvelous love,
for his miracle mercy to the children he loves.

He will give me the strength to persevere through this latest storm. He will give me peace in the moments that i am overwrought with fear, pain and doubt. He will give me the ability to rest in the knowledge that He hears my cries and feels my anguish. He will give me the courage to trust that in His sovereign wisdom and at His divinely appointed hour, He will rescue me.