MY BROKEN HALLELUJAH

this week, anger hit in full force. it welled up from deep within and emerged in a torrent of raging venom. 


i am angry.


A.N.G.R.Y


i awoke early monday morning
my mind racing, roiling, turbid with rancid thoughts
i struggled to work thru it
and
not let it get the better of me


i did the best thing i can
i opened my bible and i prayed
give me something, Lord
i can't cope with this 


i ended up reading psalm 55


reading it helped so much
my anger did not completely dissipate but i felt calmer
and
more aware that i need to keep my eyes on God and not focus on what man has done
and 
then it arrived
another letter
this one not threatening like the last
after all, that last one has already done damage
and
served their purpose


this one 
well this one just added insult to injury
rubbed salt in the gaping wounds
such cold arrogance for the pain and suffering their actions have caused
such callous indifference for the emotional terror their threats incited
such blatant disregard for the health and welfare of our son


i could barely read thru it
i saw the most vibrant, violent hue of red again


my heart beat with blind fury, my fists shook, my tongue spit venom, my mind thought up the vilest filth to spew in their direction, my heart conspired within me and all i yearned to do was inflict pain on them. the need for revenge raged thru my being 
and 
agonized screams and hot, angry tears erupted from within the deepest recesses of my body and soul
i screamed and cried out against this injustice, 
i screamed and cried out in defeat, 
i screamed and cried out in despair,
i screamed and cried out in agony, 
for all the pain and all the suffering and all the loss 


my mind and body and soul frantic and frenzied 
who could ever believe that those mandated to provide care could inflict such harm?
evil perverts truth
the war wages on
and
my mind replays all that we have faced and endured
was the denial of canadian care not enough?
that was unjust enough but we had come to terms with that 
but now "this" - going after and interfering with his american care?


it's just too much, too much, too much.


this situation is the grossest abuse of power and our son is the victim.
his suffering and pain has intensified since some of his treatment was forcibly stopped. and his deterioration is creeping in...he's had days where he's needed to crawl on his hands and his knees to get around the house again. he'd not had to crawl in 9 months.
he suffers the consequences of their actions and we bear the burden; the weight of their discrimination sits heavy on our shoulders
and 
they go on in their lives, covering their tracks with more lies
the deception so clever i wonder if it will ever be possible to get justice


it is all so outrageous and grievous
and
i get that it is okay to be angry
but
i am reviled by it 

if i don't keep laying this at the foot of the cross, this bitter anger will thrive and
i will not survive it

why?
because the hostility of my anger rises up and crowds out my ability to see God in this

  
and
praise God, He is present!
i feel Him with me
in every moment, in every hour, in every day, in every circumstance.
YES! even in "this"

"I often find myself in situations where if I look at the circumstances, it appears as if God is not there.

However, I’m learning that God is most powerfully present, even when he seems most apparently absent." (pete wilson, plan b)

He is here. He is here. How thankful i am to feel His presence. 
He is here. He is here. How thankful i am that i can trust Him. 
praise. 
glory. 
honor. 
to Him.
God reigns;
man does not
and
so i offer up to him, my Broken Hallelujah

With my love and my sadness

I come before You Lord

My heart's in a thousand pieces

Maybe even more

Yet I trust in this moment

You're with me somehow

And You've always been faithful

So Lord even now

When all that I can sing

Is a broken hallelujah

When my only offering

Is shattered praise

Still a song of adoration

Will rise up from these ruins

I will worship You and give You thanks

Even when my only praise

Is a broken hallelujah

Oh Father, You have given

Much more than I deserve

And I have felt Your hand of blessing

On me at every turn

How could I doubt Your goodness

Your wisdom, Your grace

So Lord hear my heart

In this painful place

Hallelujah

I lift my voice

Your Spirit moves

I raise my hands

I reach for You