i had hoped to head into the start of the new year with renewed energy. umm, yeah. that didn't happen. the holidays came and went in a haze of pain and a flurry of doctor's visits which included an emergent one on christmas eve. that one prompted because parker developed a second rash (again, due to MRI contrast dye). this one was painful, raw and blistering and necessitated the need for a course of steroids. the following days were swallowed up in the agony of unrelieved suffering.
yeah, the holidays sucked the life out of me. ran me over and left me flat on my back and emotionally flatlined. i still haven't quite managed to scrape myself off of the floor yet.
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for the most part,
parker's 13th birthday was a fail.
christmas was a fail.
new years was a fail.
and
i have succumb to the misery.
it's temporary not terminal
my appearance on here today is an indication that i'm coming up for air.
that shows promise.
i feel like my life is one bad game of whack-a-mole
keep resolutely popping my head above ground
only to have it repeatedly bashed back down
it's difficult to find the will or desire to keep getting up off the floor
and
facing each day
life is hard
a new year has dawned
yet the old has followed us in
2013 is earmarked as year 7 since this all began
7 years that have been
heavy on pain;
light on joy.
heavy on suffering;
light on freedom.
heavy on despair;
light on hope.
heavy on tears;
light on laughter.
i want a pause button
i need to catch my breath
to right myself
to steal myself
to face 2013
to pick myself up off the floor
and
dare to move
takes courage to face a new year
to renew hope
and
embrace whatever lies ahead
i know life changes
things never stay the same
but
i'm still waiting for it to not hurt so bad
life changes
i see it in the lives of those around me
and
when i'm this deep down
all i see is the upside of another's life
totally defeatest attitude
funny how that happens
i see life in the lives around me
i see them heavy with celebration;
light on hardship.
heavy with happiness;
light on sadness.
heavy with thriving,
light on surviving.
i hate feeling this way
i'm embarassed to even admit it
this jealousy, this poor me,
this invisible divisible way of being
this 'i'm cursed, you're blessed' way of thinking
it creeps up on me and seeps into my mind
skewing my view and wreaking havoc with my soul
it burns my psychological skin
puts my gut in a iron clad grip
and
wrings my heart out like an old, decrepit wash rag
the lingering effects are such a struggle to shake off
i've tried to hold on to this fight in the most positive light
allow it to mold me into a better version of me
now
i lie here in turmoil
a twisted wreck of bitter thoughts
crumpled soul
fists clenched tight
tears blaze a hot trail
dripping a steady stream into the puddle of unfairness and injustice...
when will the scales tip in our favor?
when will our life have have less pain, more joy?
when will the milestones of life not just be another day to endure?
dare to move
stagger
claw
scrape
out of this pit
one day this fight will be done, the war behind, and the day will break into a glorious new dawn. only by God's grace shall i stagger forth from the rubble and decay to greet that day as one who is better not bitter.
Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before
Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before
Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before
I'm sorry Shannon that I have little to say. But what I can tell you is that I absolutely know that feeling. I have a different battle than you, but I know all too well those feelings you described. What I can say is this: you do constantly provide me with a role model (ie-you) and hope.
ReplyDeleteShannon, I wish I had better words for you. Words that would speak encouragement and comfort into your being. What I can say is this. I have a different battle, but you are not alone. I have many times felt exactly what you described. In fact, I often feel like I live there. But I can tell you this. You have been to me an inspiration to me. You have given me hope in my hopeless pits and you have often been a role model in your faith for me. Thank you
ReplyDeleteShannon I love you. And for very different reasons but similar circumstances I actually sincerely say thank you for posting this. You are 4 years ahead of me and much as this sucks and isn't fair and days become years, there is still a glimmer of hope. I understand that your writing today is a signal that the "failed days" are coming to a close. Days like the ones This month (I too had high expectations for the new year) make me wonder what's the purpose. Why am I trying to hold on ... and even at times when I see my husband's eyes - when i personally remeber to look beyond myself and the pain and pity (this is just me because my limitations make my world small, not vast like it once was) - I wonder if his life will get better. Should I still be here? And it is horrible to not be able to love him like he deserves. or any of my family or friends or ... BUT this writing of yours today gives me reason to hope and keep going. I hope everyone who reads it will recognize the GOOD in it.
ReplyDeleteI Really don't know if what I'm saying makes much sense to you. But anyway thank you. I remeber you have a beautiful smile and such a wonderful laugh and sparkling eyes. And that is how I always see you in my heart and in my prayers. ♥
Shannon...things are going to change for us. I promise. Please readhttp://www.icontact-archive.com/FBkbi1IUxiGEZy8CZmrP8x6sICH_1o4d?w=4#linkedinshare
ReplyDeleteShannon. Things are going to change for us. I promise.http://www.icontact-archive.com/FBkbi1IUxiGEZy8CZmrP8x6sICH_1o4d?w=4#linkedinshare
ReplyDeleteYou, Parker and your family are in our thoughts. We send our love and hugs for healing. I feel your writing is healing for you and know it is for others. You have a special way of putting your thoughts down to explain what you are feeling and this resonates with everyone who reads it. Thank you for sharing. Lots of hugs and love.
ReplyDeleteYou, Parker and your family are in our thoughts. We send our love and hugs for healing. I feel your writing is healing for you and know it is for others. You have a special way of putting your thoughts down to explain what you are feeling and this resonates with everyone who reads it. Thank you for sharing. Lots of hugs and love.
ReplyDelete