GIVE THANKS IN ALL THINGS

the message blinks across the screen
i blankly stare back
one person registered for our photo fundraiser
eyes brim
heart sinks

give it 24 more hours
i pray for numbers

"lord, please, we really need this."

i trust, hope & pray
that at the 11th hour
all will be redeemed

hours drag by
time ticks my hope away
the silence is deafening
the extra day does not bring numbers to save the day
a click of the mouse and it is done
event is cancelled


suddenly, i feel very small and insignificant

He breathes a 5 word phrase into my ear
"give thanks in ALL things" 

my eyebrow arches
arms fold
emotion runs tumult
thank in the midst of this?
this confusion
this rejection
this abandonment

my mind wanders 
to what was supposed to be
to THE day that will no longer be
in my mind, it had been built up big
i envisioned a communal coming together
to bear witness to a miracle
surely it would be
a faith builder, spirit lifter for all involved

He prods me gentle 
"give thanks in ALL things" 
in the pain 
in the disappointment 
in the loneliness

in our home
it was talked of with anticipation
we hoped, we prayed, we imagined 
a time, a place, a moment to see, to feel, to document tangible support
a way to off-set every moment of aloneness this journey has brought
and
now
now nothing

i heave a sigh
push back chair
must share news with the boy
how does one deliver news quite like this?
break it gently?
break it blunt?
matter of fact or pollyanna it to death?

i.want.to.run.
ignore it. avoid it. 
pretend it never really existed to begin with.
let days flow by
let THE day float by and hope it goes unnoticed

maybe he won't remember

i want to spare him the hurt
spare him the tumult emotions
and
then the faintest thought tumbles through my soul

spare him and deprive him of the chance to learn thanksgiving in ALL things.

and
i guffaw. snort. churn. 
and spit back
what? thank that there is no crowd to stand in the gap for my boy?
(mercy, how does He not grow weary of my pestilence?)

"I stand in the gap and I am all you need. Your plans are fallible, mine are not." 

but i fear, oh how i fear that the news will be a spirit crusher. 

my boy bows his head
and
furrows brow
he is processing the news
and
from a far away place and in a quiet voice, he utters that which i feared he would think

"I don't matter and no one cares about me or lyme"

my breath is knocked from me
and 
i. am. gutted.

how do i respond when those very same feelings howl through my own heart? 

all i can do is say, "i feel that way too"

i pull my boy into my arms
and
we sit in heavy, aching silence
with all the ugly feelings swirling loud around us

He pursues me relentless,
"give thanks in ALL things" 

why is the automatic thought to turn on oneself? the default set to believe that we are unworthy and unloved. 

what is the yardstick by which we measure our worth?

how do I reset the dial to default to God first, foremost and always and who He is and who we are in Him?

He breathes the answer into my soul
"give thanks in ALL things"

and
days pass before i dare to whisper this to my boy,

"God is telling me to give thanks in all things."

it tumbles out hard and broken and questioning

"i don't get it
and
this is hard
and
i don't want to 
but
i'm going to try."

somehow and someway
i must choose to do this
to thank
in the pain
in the disappointment
in the middle of this ugliness

i pull pen and paper
there are thank yous
to be written
to be counted
to be spoken

and
as i write
as i count
as i speak thankfulness

something shifts
i breathe in thanksgiving
and
exhale rejection
and

as the ink flows
the tears dry
and
the spirit is raised up
and
i seek to see this verse in word
and
there it is in 1 Thessalonians 5:18

give thanks in all circumstances...for this is God's will for you

for this is God's will for you
and
does God not want the best for us? is that not His will?

would he require His people to have thankful hearts in all things to satisfy His ego or because it changes ours?

an act of thanksgiving in the midst of a sad, confusing, messed up circumstance is a declaration of our trust in Him...His ways, His goodness, His love, His faithfulness, His sovereignty
and
therefore, ingratitude is an expression of mistrust.

thanksgiving is the act of a heart that believes, that knows beyond all doubt,  that God is trustworthy in all circumstances

and

maybe, just maybe, all that i wanted this to be and all that it is not is all that it needed to be and that is where the miracle is birthed from

EMBRACING THE MOMENTS

it was quite the weekend.


i think we racked up more activity in 3 days then we have in 3 months.


we went to a movie
and
went to church
and
went ice skating...

eyes alight, bodies moving, smiles glowing
tentative first steps, arms flailing, knees shaking, balance found, then off with great gusto
the crispness of the frosty air,
feel its invisible flow across my cheeks and through my hair
jittery nerves, must breathe deeply
inhale that stale icy arena scent 
warmth from movement gently easing away sedentary chill 

parker zipping by,
avery delicately gliding past
both beaming with the exhilaration of the moment
"look at me, mom! look at me!"

graham, mr photographer extraordinaire, racing ahead to capture the moments
or 
romantically sidling up beside me
hand in hand, round the rink we go
we're doing it. together. 


i nearly lost it as i glided slipped and slid my way across the ice
being there
in the moment
fully embracing it 
proved to be a much bigger challenge for me than staying upright on the ice 

there is part of me that is always waiting for the other shoe to drop
it's a learned behavior now
after all, the better days, the able days, the days where the light at the end of the tunnel seems close at hand, those days have never lasted.
the inevitable crash would come,
often in the blink of an eye.
sweet victory hacked off at the knees 
hopes raised, hopes dashed
hope falls prey to ruthless loss
unmercifully ushered in on a torrent of gut wrenching grief
bid farewell to doing, to being, to living again and again and again.


these repetitive losses have tainted my ability to be fully engaged 
they gnaw on my shoulder, grasp my belly and tiptoe through my heart 
i so fear the agony that comes when that tentative sense of well being is ripped from my grasp that i am scared to fully embrace the joy of the able bodied moments
to hug it tight, to whoop it up, to shout it from the mountain top
to sink into the joy and lose myself in the exhilaration of it

the protector in me, the survivor whispers cautiously;
spare yourself some grief
celebrate from a distant place
hold utter exuberance at bay
guard your heart
for tomorrow
this could all fall apart


this weekend, in that rink, it dawned on me


the grief is fully felt; even if the joy was not


this weekend, parker's wheelchair sat empty
tomorrow it may not.
i will not allow the fear of tomorrow to over shadow my joy in today.

i will fully embrace the joy of this moment without fearing the pain that the loss of it will create.

i will celebrate this moment with every fiber of my being
i will allow myself to embrace it with whole hearted gusto
i will cry, i will laugh, i will move, i will breath
and
i will not worry about what tomorrow will bring
come what may. come what might.

after all, i've survived every loss and fought my way back to victory every time. if i have to, i'll do it again. and again. and again.

.

"you gain strength, courage and confidence 

by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. 

you are able to say to yourself, 

"i have lived through this horror. i can take the next thing that comes along." 

you must do the thing you think you cannot do.

                                             -eleanor roosevelt

OUR BONUS DAY

today (sept 4) was officially our last day in whistler
(this was confirmed by reliable sources)

since we thought yesterday was supposed to be our last
i guess you could say today was our bonus day

a whole extra day of holiday
yippee....not!
seeing as our bonus day now includes a gondola ride
i'm thinking i should a left when i had the chance!

i spent most of the morning worrying about it
my stomach in knots
bile rising in my throat
my mouth an acrid desert
my knees weak
and my heart pounding in my ears
whenever
i thought about getting on "the ride"



i'm not kidding either
i really considered hanging back today
yikes, don't say 'hanging'

back and forth my mind and spirit sparred
i did not want to scale that mountain!
no way
no how
no can do
however
it was not lyme that stood in my way

i am well enough
i am able enough
i am strong enough
no it is not lyme that would impede my ability today

it is FEAR
the choice is clear
how can i even consider allowing fear to hold me back?


my yesterdays have included the use of a wheel chair
my tomorrows may include many more

but
TODAY I AM ABLE...ain't nothing going to stand in my way!

"Come to the edge." he said
"We can't. We're afraid."

"Come to the edge." he said
"We can't. We will fall."

"Come to the edge." he said

And they came...

And he pushed them....and they flew.

-(Guillaume Apollinaire)

our bonus day...
has been so much more than just a breathtaking ride up a mountain

our bonus day...
has been about facing whatever mountains stand in our way and trusting God to give us the courage and strength to scale them.

"when faced with a mountain, i will not quit! i will keep striving until i climb over it, find a pass through, tunnel underneath or simply stay and turn the mountain into a gold mine, with God's help."

our bonus day?
well, i wouldn't trade it for the world

THIS WEEK ON THE FEARLESS FRONT

Plans change and fears must be faced.

"For God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
- 2 Timothy 1:7

We've spent the weekend on the Sunshine Coast in a little town called Roberts Creek. Friends of ours have a 'holiday home' there that they generously made available to us. Initially, the plan was for just Graham, Parker and Avery to go this weekend for a fun little get away. (Taylor was going to be away at a youth retreat.)



I was not planning to go for several reasons. For starters, I'm exhausted from my 'solo' week. Also, Graham and I are leaving on Monday for California to see Dr H. So the plan was for me to stay home alone this weekend in order to rest up from the week and build up some strength for our impending week away.

And quite honestly, I did not want to go to Roberts Creek as I have painful memories associated with it.

The last time we were in Roberts Creek was 2 summers ago. It was during that time that I became very sick and extremely symptomatic. I had excruciating bone pain, mind blowing headaches and incredible fatigue. I felt toxic. I felt as if I had poison coursing through my veins. My mind and body were doing strange and bizarre things and were becoming unfamiliar to me. It is also the last time that I was able to go for a run.

We now know that the bacteria that causes LD was already attacking my brain and central nervous system. But at the time all I knew was that I had a distinct sense of foreboding that something bad was happening with me. It was during that week that I looked at Graham and said something is very wrong with me. I have a feeling that we are about to enter into a very dark time in our lives. Even as I write about it now, the memory of all the pain and confusion wells up from deep within and the grief spills down my cheeks.

And so my feelings associated with this little holiday home are not happy. They are painful. Very painful. It is the week that everything in my life and my family's life changed. It is the week that the me I knew ceased to exist.

As such, I have had no desire to return to Roberts Creek. Ever. And especially when I am still sick. I have been fearful of re-living the same experience over. I have been fearful of facing the memories. And have I mentioned yet that the Sunshine Coast is an endemic area for Lyme infected ticks? Ah, yes, I am not that thrilled with the plan for anyone in my family to go back to all that.

but plans change
and fears must be faced.



I went to Roberts Creek this weekend because Parker needed me.
And his needs supersede my fears.



Parker has had a rough transition back to school. He is having to face some fears too. We understand his fears because we have some trepidations about this year for him too. This past week has been hard on him and so I just couldn't see not being with him this weekend... especially given that we will be away all this week in California.


So, I went to Roberts Creek for Parker.
And I was forced to face my fears
and in doing so I reclaimed a piece of me.




And I pray that this weekend, Parker will have found the courage to face his fears too.