LORD, GIVE ME A FEARLESS HEART

this has been a stressful week


last week, while we were in the middle of researching options for PORT surgeries, i got a call


at the other end of the line was the receptionist from our GP's office;
"DR A" would like you to come in to discuss a letter he received from children's hospital about your son.


i nearly dropped the phone


"this can't be good" was the first thought that pounded in my ears


of course, unlikely as it seems, this letter could be something 'good' or at the very least, it may be about something inconsequential. yes, i could have my shorts all in a knot for nothing...however, i fear this letter contains a sinister plot... 


today is where the rubber meets the road
i will see DR A this afternoon and whatever this letter is about will come to light
and
i am SCARED


why?


i am scared that a certain pediatrician at children's hospital who has been incredibly vocal about withdrawing antibiotic treatment and has been pushing to remove parker's PICC line has succeeded in backing DR A into a corner.


i am scared that this meddling pedicatrician has the power to force DR A to write an order to remove parker's PICC line.


i am scared we are about to lose the little support that we do have here in canada. 


i am scared an order has been written to remove parker's existing PICC line and withdraw homecare nursing support.


i am scared that if we have to move forward with getting parker a PORT, that we will be blocked from accessing even basic nursing care for it here in canada. 


these fears are not unfounded. it's a long story as to how or why each of those fears is a possibility. the short of it is this - while DR A is supportive of the treatment parker is getting from DR H, he is not able to prescribe parker's meds nor can he order a PICC line or a PORT. however, he did assist us in getting nursing to care for parker's PICC. doing so, made him responsible for it - which means he can be held accountable - and yes, 'forced' to order it's removal. the medical community here is so hostile against lyme that the few doctors that do have the courage to walk alongside a patient with lyme, are targeted by their colleagues and licensing boards and subsequently raked over the coals by them. 


i am scared 
and
yet, i TRUST.
albeit
i wonder if my trust was truly solid, would i have such struggle within my soul with fear?


quite frankly, i'm tired of the fight. i'm tired of all this crap. i'm tired of hurting. i'm tired of being abandoned. i'm tired of the roller coaster. i'm tired of being at odds with the medical community here. i'm tired of being fearful of doctors. i'm tired of learning tough lessons.

i'm NOT tired of experiencing the amazing ways in which God works. i'm NOT tired of watching the miraculous ways in which he moves time and time again. i'm NOT tired of knowing that i can trust Him in ALL of it.


i pray i can face today with a fearless heart.

FEARLESS HEART

                                                        ~point of grace

For even the most trusting soul

This world can be a scary place

So much that we can't control

In every moment that we face

When a thousand what ifs

Whisper in our ears

We remember who's we are

And watch them disappear

I wanna live with a fearless heart

Courage that's coming from trust in God

It's constantly guiding me though the road may seem dark

I wanna live, wanna live with a fearless heart

There are worries chasing everyone

It's evident in times like these

But I have found the confidence that comes

From time I spend on my knees

There's a truth I'm holding onto

As these days unfold

Greater is He, that is in me

Than he that's in the world

He's my strength, He's my shelter

He is with me all the way

He's my light and my salvation

Of whom shall I be afraid, of whom shall I be afraid?

I wanna live with a fearless heart

Courage that's coming from trust in God

It's constantly guiding me though the road may seem dark

I wanna live with a fearless heart