GIVE THANKS IN ALL THINGS

the message blinks across the screen
i blankly stare back
one person registered for our photo fundraiser
eyes brim
heart sinks

give it 24 more hours
i pray for numbers

"lord, please, we really need this."

i trust, hope & pray
that at the 11th hour
all will be redeemed

hours drag by
time ticks my hope away
the silence is deafening
the extra day does not bring numbers to save the day
a click of the mouse and it is done
event is cancelled


suddenly, i feel very small and insignificant

He breathes a 5 word phrase into my ear
"give thanks in ALL things" 

my eyebrow arches
arms fold
emotion runs tumult
thank in the midst of this?
this confusion
this rejection
this abandonment

my mind wanders 
to what was supposed to be
to THE day that will no longer be
in my mind, it had been built up big
i envisioned a communal coming together
to bear witness to a miracle
surely it would be
a faith builder, spirit lifter for all involved

He prods me gentle 
"give thanks in ALL things" 
in the pain 
in the disappointment 
in the loneliness

in our home
it was talked of with anticipation
we hoped, we prayed, we imagined 
a time, a place, a moment to see, to feel, to document tangible support
a way to off-set every moment of aloneness this journey has brought
and
now
now nothing

i heave a sigh
push back chair
must share news with the boy
how does one deliver news quite like this?
break it gently?
break it blunt?
matter of fact or pollyanna it to death?

i.want.to.run.
ignore it. avoid it. 
pretend it never really existed to begin with.
let days flow by
let THE day float by and hope it goes unnoticed

maybe he won't remember

i want to spare him the hurt
spare him the tumult emotions
and
then the faintest thought tumbles through my soul

spare him and deprive him of the chance to learn thanksgiving in ALL things.

and
i guffaw. snort. churn. 
and spit back
what? thank that there is no crowd to stand in the gap for my boy?
(mercy, how does He not grow weary of my pestilence?)

"I stand in the gap and I am all you need. Your plans are fallible, mine are not." 

but i fear, oh how i fear that the news will be a spirit crusher. 

my boy bows his head
and
furrows brow
he is processing the news
and
from a far away place and in a quiet voice, he utters that which i feared he would think

"I don't matter and no one cares about me or lyme"

my breath is knocked from me
and 
i. am. gutted.

how do i respond when those very same feelings howl through my own heart? 

all i can do is say, "i feel that way too"

i pull my boy into my arms
and
we sit in heavy, aching silence
with all the ugly feelings swirling loud around us

He pursues me relentless,
"give thanks in ALL things" 

why is the automatic thought to turn on oneself? the default set to believe that we are unworthy and unloved. 

what is the yardstick by which we measure our worth?

how do I reset the dial to default to God first, foremost and always and who He is and who we are in Him?

He breathes the answer into my soul
"give thanks in ALL things"

and
days pass before i dare to whisper this to my boy,

"God is telling me to give thanks in all things."

it tumbles out hard and broken and questioning

"i don't get it
and
this is hard
and
i don't want to 
but
i'm going to try."

somehow and someway
i must choose to do this
to thank
in the pain
in the disappointment
in the middle of this ugliness

i pull pen and paper
there are thank yous
to be written
to be counted
to be spoken

and
as i write
as i count
as i speak thankfulness

something shifts
i breathe in thanksgiving
and
exhale rejection
and

as the ink flows
the tears dry
and
the spirit is raised up
and
i seek to see this verse in word
and
there it is in 1 Thessalonians 5:18

give thanks in all circumstances...for this is God's will for you

for this is God's will for you
and
does God not want the best for us? is that not His will?

would he require His people to have thankful hearts in all things to satisfy His ego or because it changes ours?

an act of thanksgiving in the midst of a sad, confusing, messed up circumstance is a declaration of our trust in Him...His ways, His goodness, His love, His faithfulness, His sovereignty
and
therefore, ingratitude is an expression of mistrust.

thanksgiving is the act of a heart that believes, that knows beyond all doubt,  that God is trustworthy in all circumstances

and

maybe, just maybe, all that i wanted this to be and all that it is not is all that it needed to be and that is where the miracle is birthed from