i had hoped to head into the start of the new year with renewed energy. umm, yeah. that didn't happen. the holidays came and went in a haze of pain and a flurry of doctor's visits which included an emergent one on christmas eve. that one prompted because parker developed a second rash (again, due to MRI contrast dye). this one was painful, raw and blistering and necessitated the need for a course of steroids. the following days were swallowed up in the agony of unrelieved suffering.
yeah, the holidays sucked the life out of me. ran me over and left me flat on my back and emotionally flatlined. i still haven't quite managed to scrape myself off of the floor yet.
for the most part,
parker's 13th birthday was a fail.
christmas was a fail.
new years was a fail.
i have succumb to the misery.
it's temporary not terminal
my appearance on here today is an indication that i'm coming up for air.
that shows promise.
i feel like my life is one bad game of whack-a-mole
keep resolutely popping my head above ground
only to have it repeatedly bashed back down
it's difficult to find the will or desire to keep getting up off the floor
facing each day
life is hard
a new year has dawned
yet the old has followed us in
2013 is earmarked as year 7 since this all began
7 years that have been
heavy on pain;
light on joy.
heavy on suffering;
light on freedom.
heavy on despair;
light on hope.
heavy on tears;
light on laughter.
i want a pause button
i need to catch my breath
to right myself
to steal myself
to face 2013
to pick myself up off the floor
dare to move
takes courage to face a new year
to renew hope
embrace whatever lies ahead
i know life changes
things never stay the same
i'm still waiting for it to not hurt so bad
i see it in the lives of those around me
when i'm this deep down
all i see is the upside of another's life
totally defeatest attitude
funny how that happens
i see life in the lives around me
i see them heavy with celebration;
light on hardship.
heavy with happiness;
light on sadness.
heavy with thriving,
light on surviving.
i hate feeling this way
i'm embarassed to even admit it
this jealousy, this poor me,
this invisible divisible way of being
this 'i'm cursed, you're blessed' way of thinking
it creeps up on me and seeps into my mind
skewing my view and wreaking havoc with my soul
it burns my psychological skin
puts my gut in a iron clad grip
wrings my heart out like an old, decrepit wash rag
the lingering effects are such a struggle to shake off
i've tried to hold on to this fight in the most positive light
allow it to mold me into a better version of me
i lie here in turmoil
a twisted wreck of bitter thoughts
fists clenched tight
tears blaze a hot trail
dripping a steady stream into the puddle of unfairness and injustice...
when will the scales tip in our favor?
when will our life have have less pain, more joy?
when will the milestones of life not just be another day to endure?
dare to move
out of this pit
one day this fight will be done, the war behind, and the day will break into a glorious new dawn. only by God's grace shall i stagger forth from the rubble and decay to greet that day as one who is better not bitter.