January 25, 2013


i had hoped to head into the start of the new year with renewed energy. umm, yeah. that didn't happen. the holidays came and went in a haze of pain and a flurry of doctor's visits which included an emergent one on christmas eve. that one prompted because parker developed a second rash (again, due to MRI contrast dye). this one was painful, raw and blistering and necessitated the need for a course of steroids. the following days were swallowed up in the agony of unrelieved suffering.

yeah, the holidays sucked the life out of me. ran me over and left me flat on my back and emotionally flatlined. i still haven't quite managed to scrape myself off of the floor yet.

for the most part,
parker's 13th birthday was a fail.
christmas was a fail. 
new years was a fail.
i have succumb to the misery.
it's temporary not terminal

my appearance on here today is an indication that i'm coming up for air.
that shows promise.

i feel like my life is one bad game of whack-a-mole
keep resolutely popping my head above ground 
only to have it repeatedly bashed back down

it's difficult to find the will or desire to keep getting up off the floor
facing each day
life is hard
a new year has dawned
yet the old has followed us in
2013 is earmarked as year 7 since this all began 
7 years that have been 
heavy on pain;
light on joy.
heavy on suffering;
light on freedom.
heavy on despair;
light on hope.
heavy on tears;
light on laughter.

i want a pause button
i need to catch my breath
to right myself
to steal myself
to face 2013
to pick myself up off the floor
dare to move

takes courage to face a new year
to renew hope
embrace whatever lies ahead

i know life changes
things never stay the same
i'm still waiting for it to not hurt so bad

life changes
i see it in the lives of those around me
when i'm this deep down
all i see is the upside of another's life
totally defeatest attitude

funny how that happens
i see life in the lives around me
i see them heavy with celebration;
light on hardship.
heavy with happiness;
light on sadness.
heavy with thriving,
light on surviving.

i hate feeling this way
i'm embarassed to even admit it
this jealousy, this poor me, 
this invisible divisible way of being
this 'i'm cursed, you're blessed' way of thinking

it creeps up on me and seeps into my mind 
skewing my view and wreaking havoc with my soul
it burns my psychological skin
puts my gut in a iron clad grip
wrings my heart out like an old, decrepit wash rag
the lingering effects are such a struggle to shake off

i've tried to hold on to this fight in the most positive light
allow it to mold me into a better version of me
i lie here in turmoil
a twisted wreck of bitter thoughts
crumpled soul
fists clenched tight
tears blaze a hot trail 
dripping a steady stream into the puddle of unfairness and injustice... 

when will the scales tip in our favor?
when will our life have have less pain, more joy?
when will the milestones of life not just be another day to endure?

dare to move
out of this pit

one day this fight will be done, the war behind, and the day will break into a glorious new dawn. only by God's grace shall i stagger forth from the rubble and decay to greet that day as one who is better not bitter.

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before