February 4, 2009

I SURVIVED


I have survived my first herx since re-starting IV treatment.

I crashed shortly after returning from seeing DR H in SF. In hindsight, I think I may have already been heading into my herx while we were still in SF - which would explain why my CNS and Neurological Assessments were so out of whack. Of course, that is just me 'theorizing' but it's a theory that makes sense...and also makes me feel a lot better about those low scoring assessments.

As my new IV regimen includes an abx that is specifically targeting my Babesia infection, I had an exacerbation of my Babs symptoms during this herx. Which, loosely translated, means my Babs symptoms have exacerbated and been much more severe and intense over the past 2 weeks.

Some of these symptoms are as follows:

Blind/Blurred Vision
Severe Depression
Hallucinations
Brain Fog
Drenching Night Sweats
Hypoglycemia
Shortness of Breath
Full body twitching
Neuropathy
Inability to remain 'upright'
Non-stop migraine headaches
Head pressure
Heart Palpitations
Insomnia


My babs herxes in the past were similar to this one but far more severe and included other symptoms.
The following symptoms are ones that I have had in the past but they now seem to be resolved. I did NOT experience any of them during this herx:

Severe panic/anxiety attacks that lasted anywhere from 3-6 hours
Suicidal Ideation
Obsessive compulsive behaviours
Extreme Noise sensitivity
Startle reflex (similar to a newborn's startle reflex)
Severe Dissociative Behaviors

Pretty insane to think that a tiny bug bite can lead to all that, isn't it?

Even crazier to consider is that it is the antibiotic treatment and antibiotics ALONE that has cured me of those symptoms. I am not nor have ever taken anti-depressants or anti-pyschotics to deal with those symptoms.

And by the way, I am not knocking the use of these meds. They are very necessary for some conditions and I know that they are very needed for symptom control for some LD patients. I chose not to use them because I never believed they would help my symptoms. Before I was diagnosed I was prescribed heavy narcotics for my pain and my insomnia. Not only did none of them ever work, they never even took the edge off. My mantra quickly became, "Treat the Disease, Not the Symptoms."

The amazing thing is that this herx was less intense and shorter in duration than herxes I have had in the past. I am thankful for that and hopeful that it is a sign that the million dollar detox regimen I have been undergoing for the past 3 months is finally starting to pay off.

Over the last couple of days, I have pulled out of the herx and I am feeling a ton better. In fact, I am even having little increments of time where I actually feel AMAZING!!!!

Oh my, I just teared up when I wrote that. Actually, I am totally crying now because it just feels like a miracle to feel like me. Even though it is only for 20 minutes here, or at the very most an hour here and there, or even when it only lasts 5 minutes, it is so amazing to realize that "I", the "old me" really still exists.

It has been so long since I was me, that I have often feared that if I ever felt well again, I would forget how or what it is to be me. But for single solitary moments in time, I feel well. And it is so very miraculous to know that I have not forgotten how to be me; how to be a mom; how to be a wife; how to be a daughter; how to be a friend.

To know that buried under the insanity of this disease, buried under this avalanche of symptoms, I REALLY DO EXIST. And one shovel full at a time, I am digging my way out of it.

So, I have survived another herx.
Hopefully, this will mean a return to my ability to write/blog on a more consistent basis.

Altho' that may have to wait a few more days....

...Graham is away this week and so most of my energy is going into surviving that.

But, hey, if I can survive herxing, I can survive ANYTHING.


6 comments:

bonstance said...

I'm so happy to hear that! It made me tear up myself.

We're all still praying for you! *hugs*

Renee said...

Sorry you are still having to go through such awful herxing....but on the good side....less is better AND it is Fantastic that you feel like yourself at times....short as they may be, it is a window of hope!
Gives me hope too....
May your days be sunny!

Jensboys said...

Just really glad you are back.

I can't wait until the awesome days days over the un-awesome days. Think of the trophy you will get then :)

tanyaewa said...

Such wonderful news that the herxing was less intense. And the *finding yourself* has me tearing up as well. Thinking of you....
The Whistler Goertzens

Renee said...

I have been reading some of you posts from last year and your journey is really giving me strength right now to continue on my own. It has been slow and painful and difficult and back and forth and now with the antibiotics giving me an abnormal EKG it is worrysome..but just has you have trusted God in your journey I am too. Finding others on the same rocky path is so helpful in a sad sort of way.
God bless

Jensboys said...

Are you still surviving? :)