July 28, 2009


i continue to be off of all treatment.
i continue to slowly deteriorate

i don't know what to do
i know where to turn

i know God will lead me out of here
He and i
well we're about to mambo out of this limbo
it's just a matter of time
er, hold up a minute,
may be advisable to scrap the mambo,
after all, i'm mennonite
mennonites don't dance
mambo and cha-chaing aside
i know he'll make a way out
from between this rock and hard place
this limbo state of being that i find myself in

don't know how
don't know when
until then
i am in limbo

in limbo,
i am free
from popping 40+ pills a day
i am free
from running IV 3+ hours a day
i am free
from the agony of herxing

i am not free from lyme
it is always with me
my prayers for it not to be

in my limbo state of being,
i have days i can
i have days i can't
on the days i can
i do
on the days i can't
i struggle to do even the simplest tasks
like walking up the stairs
pouring a glass of milk
holding a fork

in my limbo state of being,
i keep hoping and praying that the
can do days
will begin to out number the
can't do days
but the opposite is true

i keep hoping and praying that
the way out
does not include
more treatment
more meds
more herxing

i don't feel like
i can do that anymore
more than that
i don't want to do that anymore
more days than not
i think that that is indeed what
He is calling me to do

i keep hoping and praying
that i'm hearing wrong
i keep listening and listening
i keep hoping and praying
i really don't know what to do
so i remain
in my limbo state of being

He gives me solace in my limbo

in my state of " i don't know or maybe i don't want to know" limbo

God knows
and He consoles me

he knows my heart
my aching desire to do His will

he knows my fear, my trauma, my heartache,
keeps me stalled
in this state of limbo
my solace is that he understands
my solace is that He is here
with me

can be a scary place to be
fear of the unknown
fear of the known

is not knowing
but God knows

is knowing that God knows
is knowing that the unknown is known by God

and because of this,
my state of limbo has become a place of solace
a place of refuge
a place of rest

limbo is
a place of surrender
a place to be still

"Be still and KNOW that i am God." - psalm 46:10

in Him, i am still
in Him, i find solace in the stillness that is my limbo

"thank you that I can be still and know that You are God...that you are in control...and that i can restfully depend upon You and absorb Your strength and joy and peace. thank you that i can give myself up to be led by you...that i can count upon Your working in me and through me as a FACT, totally apart from sight or feeling... i praise you for the gracious way you will infuse me with inner strength through Christ...so i will be ready for anything you want me to do, and i'm equal to anything you allow to happen in my life..." (-Ruth Myers 31 Days of Praise)


Renee said...

Oh Shannon
I am so sorry you are having to deal with so much. I feel like I am at a fork in the road concerning my treatment too. This disease is so difficult, so devastating, but if there are gifts to be found in it, we will do so, right?! God will bless the mess too.

Kathryn said...

Shannon, thanks for sharing your heart and soul once again. Whatever I might say here seems so shallow compared to the depths that God has traveled with you. I'm thankful we were able to visit at the aquarium and them even for coffee (actually yummy taco food).