September 20, 2014


so i woke up to this on my front door this week

it's a lock box. it gives realtors uncomplicated access to our home so they can show it and sell it.

there is nothing uncomplicated about the feelings we have in regards to this lock box.
our home is listed. we are not the home owners. we won't benefit from the sale. 

there have been showings and people coming thru and they are looking to buy our home right out from under us. the nerve!

it's just a matter of time before we are forced to leave.

that lock box makes the impending move that much more real. it makes the futility of our thus far search feel that much more overwhelming.

that lock box is an unwelcome reminder that we are being called to let go.

and then there is always the ache that this move is not our choice and i don't want to go. 

i don't want to let go and move on.

this is hard peeps. really hard. and it is hardest on my girl. she is struggling with stress, anxiety and anger and confused by it all. yeah. confused.

it has been breaking her down. over the last several weeks, she has become increasingly pensive and prickly and grumpy and sad. there have been many outbursts. it's been trying and frustrating to absorb.

the other day it really came to a head. she had been a dark and brooding storm cloud flashing white, hot anger all day long. and then there was one last brilliant display of eye rolling fury and this momster finally had enough.  

enough. enough. enough.

in a less-than-stellar momster moment, i was short and irritated - and unleashed my own tirade of huffing and puffing and i blew myself up.

voice raised, i bellowed,


well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black.

ultimately, this culminated with her curling up on the couch. unshed tears and quivering lip. and she looked so small and so sad and like the weight of the world was crushing her.

i had the sudden realization that there was something more going on here...this was beyond the fiercesome melodrama that is 11...

*palm to the forehead* moment

a momster needs to stay humble and soft and sometimes ask questions rather than correcting behavior. 

"i'm sorry i lost my cool, babe. you are not acting like you. i get the feeling that there is something more going on than what i'm seeing. do you want to talk about it?"

with her arms hugging her knees to close to her chest, she haltingly spoke, "i don't want to be like this. and i know i'm taking it out on parker and you. i don't want to. i just have so many feelings and im feeling so mad and stressed and confused by all of it."

and that is all it took. the tears rolled. slow motion droplets falling one at a time. and i knew. yeah, we're treading on holy ground and in my frustration, i nearly plowed thru it and steam rolled over a tender and breaking heart.

thank you Jesus for grace.

yes. i should have known right away. the behaviour is only a symptom of heart pain. and this one, she is a lot like her momster. she feels everything deeply. her heart is tender and sensitive. and her head is a busy and loud place to live - it is a symphony of complicated feelings and over powering emotions that beat a lively albeit exhausting rhythm from head to heart a million times a day.

how could i be so blind?
thank you jesus for your grace in matters of the heart.

and then, in a breathy expulsion, she says what is really on her mind and in her heart and what is weighing her down most.

she goes on the say;

how she feels a little like God is pulling the rug out from under her again.

how she's wondering how to keep moving forward when the ground keeps shifting beneath her feet.

how her biggest brother grew up and moved out and she still keenly feels a sense of loss over this. he lives close by and he comes round but it's different and our family is not the same and how very much she misses him.

how when momster and sparky started to feel a little bit better this summer and got well enough to do life again, that she finally felt like maybe she could start breathing again and then wham! she found out she has to move - her life got turned upside down and the wind got knocked out of her again.

yeah. i get that. this move has blindsided us all. i'm 41 and finding it hard. how much more so for one who is 11. leaving the only home she has ever known. her friends. her school. her life. it's all gonna change. and it isn't her choice. its not what any of us would choose. we don't want to go. we don't even know where to go. yet, we are being called to let go and move on.

"the hardest part about growing is letting go of what you were used to, and moving on with something you're not." ~unknown

letting go and moving on is hard and holy work.

and i realize that right now, i am treading on hard and holy ground with this one. and i don't entirely know what to say because there aren't easy answers and i know she knows that. she is under no illusions that life can be hard and unfair. she's had a crash course in that for the past 8 years. first momster got sick with lyme. then both her brothers got sick with it too. she has been witness to untold suffering and chaos and pain. 

she gets that life can hurt so bad that it makes it hard to breathe.

so i take a deep breath and say a prayer and i plunge head long into this hard and confusing terrain.

i hug her hard. and i let her tears fall. and i tell her it's ok to feel confused, to feel angry at God and to feel scared. life is hard. faith is hard. letting go is hard.

and i tell her i'm proud of her for being brave enough to share her feelings out loud. that she is not alone. that even big people struggle with this. that i feel the same way too. and that there aren't easy answers because life isn't easy nor is it fair. and how being a follower of Jesus doesn't mean you are sheltered from life's storms but that He promises to be our shelter in the midst of them. how life is going to throw you more than you can handle but Jesus, well, He is here to help us thru it. He can take it. He can handle all of our hard feelings and problems. in fact, He WANTS to handle them. He DIED to handle them. yeah. that. His death & resurrection on a cross well it showed us that He wants the best for us - and that His best is found in reliance on Him and trust in Him. 

that being said, often His best is not the path that feels the easiest or the most comfortable. no, actually, it's often the opposite. and it's hard because we don't see the whole picture, the whole plan like He does. we have to trust His eyes and His ears and His heart and believe that He is moving - that He is always moving and acting in our best interests...even when it is hard. even when it hurts.

yeah. this business of letting go and moving on is hard and holy work. and it requires us to be brave. life is going to knock the breath out of us but Jesus carries us in those moments and he carries us for as long as it takes us to catch our breath. and He can make us brave enough to let go and strong enough to move on.

in letting go, we grow more in Him. and we learn that He will never let go of us. never ever. letting go and moving on it is hard and holy work...but Jesus is with us. 


Darren Schmidt said...

"the behaviour is only a symptom of heart pain" Great line. Such an important reminder to all of us who are parents

Darren Schmidt said...

"the behaviour is only a symptom of heart pain" Such a great line. A crucial reminder for all of us who are parents.

Amy said...

Yes, it's hard to look behind the behaviour when we are in the middle of it. Good job, Mama.