ACTUALLY, I CAN...

i am excited to share this post today! i wrote this piece several weeks ago. i had seen on IG that liv cycling was holding a contest called "actually, i can". they were asking for women to share their story (& a pic) on what those words mean to them, how riding helps you train your mind and face fears. the contest began on april 8, 2016 and runs until september 30th, 2016. a weekly winner is selected every friday until september. if you win on a friday, you are then eligible for the grand finale prize draw which is a liv bike of your choice!

"oh liv, you light up my life!"

well, that sounded right up my alley! plus, i ride a liv bike so i'm partial to the brand too! but i was a bit hesitant and scared to go for it. self doubt and anxiety kicked in whenever i sat down to write my 'actually, i can' story. i told the hubster about it and he encouraged me to go for it. not too long after that, taylor and mara dropped by for a visit and i was telling them about it too. taylor said,  "do it, mom! do it right now! otherwise you won't." 

so you know what? i did. i wrote it that evening with all the kids encouraging and supporting me. at one point, i got very overwhelmed and so anxious that i wanted to give up...or at least put it off for another day. plus, i felt so bad that taylor & mara were over and i was sequestered in another room writing...so much for family bonding! i told them, "i can't do this. look at me all up in my head trying to write while you are here to hang out and i'm not even visiting with you!" 

but they just laughed and kept encouraging me and yelling, "you can do it!"

i finally finished writing. then mara designed the graphics on my photo. then we submitted it just in time for the first friday of the contest. i had a lot of anxiety and 'not good enoughs' running through my head... but i was also excited and hopeful i had a shot at winning. 

friday dawned and i nervously checked the liv cycling IG account...

i didn't win.

i felt so deflated...whooosh....just like someone let all the air out of my tires.

neither did i win the next week.

or the one after that or the one after that.

:(

then today my picture and story were posted on the liv cycling IG with this message attached;

"One of the very first submissions for the Actually, I Can contest came to us from ticks and trust. Ever since, we haven't been able to get this amazing story out of our heads. At Liv, we are believers that a bike is more than just a bike and it is stories like these that prove bikes can train your mind and make you realize...Heck, yeah, I can! Congrats  to {ticks and trust}, our week 5 winner!"

i promptly burst into tears and then did a happy dance! 

i am truly honored and delighted to be chosen! riding has/is helping me re-define how i see myself and that i am more than the sum total of my illnesses and struggles. life is hard - each and every one of us carry with us pain and suffering. my hope is that sharing my story will inspire other women to believe that they are MORE THAN the fears they face and the challenges they live with.

the following is the piece that i submitted (albeit, there are a few extra wordy details here that had to be cut out in order for it to post on IG):

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this past summer (2015), i tried down-hill mountain biking for the first time.

and i LOVED it.

like totally and completely LOVE LOVE LOVED IT.

all it took was that first ride down a mountain bike park to put biking in my blood. it was one of the most liberating, revolutionary, empowering, life-changing moments i have experienced.

i am obsessed with it now.

like i can't get enough of it obsessed.

it was during that first rip down that mountain at silver star bike park that i realized actually, i can get my life back.

i lost almost the entirety of my 30s to a chronic debilitating illness called neurological lyme disease. i spent half of that decade of my life hooked up to daily IVs and struggling to get out of bed. 

in the darkest hours of the past 10 years, i feared i had lost the 'best years' of my life. even if i got some semblance of health back, what kind of life awaited me? most of the time i was terrified and in pain and now i was over 40.

and isn't it all downhill after 40?

oh yeah baby it is!

on my bike, i am liberated from the pathogens that wreak havoc on my body and my mind. when i ride, i feel strong, brave and wild. my bike keeps me grounded and makes my fly. i'm not better {yet} but mountain biking has given me a belief in my recovery, trust in my body and is restoring my mind.

and it makes me feel like a fearless bad-ass to boot.

when i rip down a mountain i know to my inner most being that i am strong. i am brave. and actually, i can get my life back. one ride at a time. 

thank you to liv cycling for the amazing work you do to encourage and empower women! 



**got my fingers crossed that i win the bike in september!**

Canadian Federal Framework on Lyme

may is lyme disease awareness month! 

and this year, Canada is holding a conference to develop a federal framework on Lyme disease on May 15-17th, 2016!  

(OTTAWA, PRESS RELEASE) May 1, 2016 - “This year, Lyme Disease Awareness month presents a time to reflect on those Canadians affected by Lyme Disease as well as an opportunity for action. From May 15th-17th, 2016, in accordance with the Federal Framework on Lyme Disease Act – my private member’s bill that became law in December of 2014 – the Minister of Health will hold a conference to develop a new set of guidelines that will help prevent and reduce Lyme disease-related health risks to Canadians." 

~ Elizabeth May, MP (source)

This conference is being held in response to Bill C-442 that was first presented by Elizabeth May as a Private Members Bill calling for a "National Strategy for Lyme Disease in Canada" in May 2012 and passed by senate into law in December 2014. Bill C-442 called for the development of a national strategy to address the challenges of the timely recognition, diagnosis, and treatment of Lyme disease.  The bill also called for funding for provinces and territories to implement the strategy.(source: Elizabeth May, MP)

“I hope the framework will be an important step forward as we work together to ensure that fewer Canadian families suffer from the consequences of Lyme disease.” 

                                                        (~Elizabeth May, MP)

Everyone worked hard in getting Bill C-442 passed in order to have this conference! We need to continue that effort by showing the government that there is a lot of interest, so please go to the links below and register.  Registration is free and will enable you to watch the conference from the comfort of your home/office. It literally only takes a few minutes to sign up!

REGISTER BY CLICKING ON THIS LINK:

http://www.healthycanadians.gc.ca/diseases-conditions-maladies-affections/disease-maladie/lyme/federal-framework-conference-cadre-federal/alt/registration-enregistrement-eng.pdf

Source: lymestats.org

"Researchers note that the geographic range of Lyme disease- carrying ticks has expanded from a small pocket in the northeast of the United States to a wide southern area of Canada. In light of potentially serious health care issues, this bill focuses national attention on preventing and mitigating Lyme disease across Canada. It offers constructive suggestions about what more can be done to help prevent, identify and treat the disease."                                                                                                                         ~ Honorable Janis G. Johnson 

Anyone, anywhere is at risk for contracting Lyme Disease. Canadian scientists have predicted that 80% percent of Canada will be living in areas at risk for lyme disease by the year 2020. So please encourage family, friends and co-workers to register on-line and learn more about Lyme Disease. 

Thank You!

WONDERLAND

i'm just another Alice who's trying to find her way out of her head

 and into a wonderland. 

                                  ~V. Nada

wonderland trail - fall 2015

as i mentioned in healing takes courage, i've been dealing with a flare up of panic attacks, uncontrollable vomiting and endless, pink tears recently. i'm not entirely sure what is all contributing to it but it had the markings of what a strep flare (pandas) looks like with me (sore throat, sudden onset panic attacks, intensifying anxiety and rapid weight loss) i'm pretty sure there are other factors at play as well but for the time being, i'm back on amoxicillin and awaiting a phone appt with DR H (lyme doc) later this week. as per usual, the amoxi brought me back to baseline anxiety & stopped the panic attacks within 12 hours of first dose.

that's the magic of moxi! lol 

when my anxiety is heightened, i feel caged and edgy. i have an inner trembling that i cannot shake and i can't sit still. since august (2015) biking has been my escape from that. so last week when i had a sudden and abrupt intensifying in my anxiety i pushed myself to go for a ride - even though i wasn't feeling all that well physically.

about 45 minutes into the ride - i had my first outburst of uncontrollable sobbing followed by a panic attack (this would be the first of what would be many in the days to come but the first time it's ever happened on a ride)

the fact that it happened during a bike ride fully did me in. 

Wonderland - Spring 2016

riding is the one place and the only time i am totally free from anxiety - my head is clear and i feel happy and free. and yet, there i  was on my knees on the side of a trail sobbing and shaking and feeling like i was losing my mind.

i was unable to escape this sense of overwhelming grief and alarming sense of doom, my thoughts spinning wildly, chest raggedly heaving, stomach painfully constricting, and an inner trembling so intense it knocks the wind out of me and causes my legs to give out beneath me. a panic attack is like toppling head first into a rabbit hole -

Rabbit Hole - the term comes from Alice in Wonderland where she fell down the Rabbit Hole into some bizarre stuff. It is commonly used as an expression or euphemism for a portal to a bizarre world with significantly strange happenings and extremely surreal situations.

its a chaotic whirlwind of surreal images and overpowering emotions and it tosses me mercilessly to and fro - the gale force winds of anxiety quickly sweep away my ability to discern truth from lies - during an anxiety or panic attack, i truly believe that this is me, this is how i always am and how i will always be - i am wholly convinced of that as fact not fiction. i don't lose touch with reality but i can't find my way out of the rabbit hole...and now that was happening on a ride!?!

are you freaking kidding me?

that overwhelmed me with a sense of desperation, sorrow and rage.

is there no part of me that can be untouched by the scourge of strep? is there no place left untainted by the sting of lyme? is there nothing sacred nor any place protected from where the loathsome tendrils of anxiety seeps in and chokes life into a limp, lifeless, tear-stained rag doll.

it eventually passed and i got my back on my bike and rode down the mountain. but i was left rattled. unsettled. grieved. and fearful that i had lost the one thing that literally keeps me sane.

could it happen again? 

biking is my happy place. the sense of wonder and joy and freedom i experience on my bike is something i cherish. 

could that have been taken from me now?

i've lost so much to these diseases - could i have now lost this thing that has been my beauty in the ashes?

Wonderland - Spring 2016

those questions and thoughts haunted me over the next few days...i knew i'd have to set about to answering them with another ride but i was too physically and emotionally drained. 

6 days passed.  

then sunday dawned and i looked at the hubster and said, 

"today we ride for tomorrow we may die."

ok. i didn't exactly say that...i'm almost but not quite that dramatic. lol.

we tossed around some ideas on where to ride. i had it in my mind and heart, that i wanted to head up to squamish and ride a trail called 'wonderland'. we had ridden up there once before (fall 2015) and i just remember that wonderland had filled me with wonder - with it's spectacularly vivid hues of green, eclectic mix of vegetation and towering, moss laden trees it had felt magical and majestic. plus the name of it in context with my life seemed rather fitting (and yes i am dramatic enough to think of that).

off we went.

the trail was everything i remembered it to be 
and
i was everything i am when i am on my bike. 

free. happy. hooting and hollering. alive. giddy.


i was ripping along and thinking, "oh, its just so pretty i should slow down and take it all in...maybe even stop and take some photos..." - but then i thought, 'nah.' - once i'm riding it's hard to stop. i just wanna go. and i wanna go fast.

mere moments after having those thoughts, i got some air going over a drop and my tire hit the end of a root that was poking through the loam. instant flat. i have tubeless tires so that takes skill! 

but the flat did not deflate my mood.  i took the moment to stop and smell the forest. hear the birds. to be still. i snapped some photos...and i even learned how to change a flat.

wonder of all wonders, i was able to be fully in the moment without movement or sound. 

sometimes, i listen to music when i ride (just one headphone in) because it helps me with balance and rhythm. ironically, when the flat occurred, i was listening to twenty one pilots song called 'ride'...

"i've been thinking too much. help me.

oh, oh, i'm falling, so i'm taking my time on my ride"

so i took my time on my ride down wonderland. then we booted up to alice lake and had a nice climb up a trail called '50 Shades of Green' and a fun shred down a run called 'Credit Line'...which was full of rocks, berms and root drops that made my heart sing (and no more flats - so no pictures from those trails!)

it was an incredible day soaking in the breathtakingly vibrant vegetation and rad trails...

best of all, it was all ride and NO cycling thoughts!

PS
Wonderland is also a walking trail. so if you don't ride you can still enjoy it - i highly recommend checking it out!

PPS
it's tick season so be tick aware! wear repellents and do tick checks!