February 16, 2012


this week, anger hit in full force. it welled up from deep within and emerged in a torrent of raging venom. 

i am angry.


i awoke early monday morning
my mind racing, roiling, turbid with rancid thoughts
i struggled to work thru it
not let it get the better of me

i did the best thing i can
i opened my bible and i prayed
give me something, Lord
i can't cope with this 

i ended up reading psalm 55

reading it helped so much
my anger did not completely dissipate but i felt calmer
more aware that i need to keep my eyes on God and not focus on what man has done
then it arrived
another letter
this one not threatening like the last
after all, that last one has already done damage
served their purpose

this one 
well this one just added insult to injury
rubbed salt in the gaping wounds
such cold arrogance for the pain and suffering their actions have caused
such callous indifference for the emotional terror their threats incited
such blatant disregard for the health and welfare of our son

i could barely read thru it
i saw the most vibrant, violent hue of red again

my heart beat with blind fury, my fists shook, my tongue spit venom, my mind thought up the vilest filth to spew in their direction, my heart conspired within me and all i yearned to do was inflict pain on them. the need for revenge raged thru my being 
agonized screams and hot, angry tears erupted from within the deepest recesses of my body and soul
i screamed and cried out against this injustice, 
i screamed and cried out in defeat, 
i screamed and cried out in despair,
i screamed and cried out in agony, 
for all the pain and all the suffering and all the loss 

my mind and body and soul frantic and frenzied 
who could ever believe that those mandated to provide care could inflict such harm?
evil perverts truth
the war wages on
my mind replays all that we have faced and endured
was the denial of canadian care not enough?
that was unjust enough but we had come to terms with that 
but now "this" - going after and interfering with his american care?

it's just too much, too much, too much.

this situation is the grossest abuse of power and our son is the victim.
his suffering and pain has intensified since some of his treatment was forcibly stopped. and his deterioration is creeping in...he's had days where he's needed to crawl on his hands and his knees to get around the house again. he'd not had to crawl in 9 months.
he suffers the consequences of their actions and we bear the burden; the weight of their discrimination sits heavy on our shoulders
they go on in their lives, covering their tracks with more lies
the deception so clever i wonder if it will ever be possible to get justice

it is all so outrageous and grievous
i get that it is okay to be angry
i am reviled by it 

if i don't keep laying this at the foot of the cross, this bitter anger will thrive and
i will not survive it

because the hostility of my anger rises up and crowds out my ability to see God in this

praise God, He is present!
i feel Him with me
in every moment, in every hour, in every day, in every circumstance.
YES! even in "this"

"I often find myself in situations where if I look at the circumstances, it appears as if God is not there.
However, I’m learning that God is most powerfully present, even when he seems most apparently absent." (pete wilson, plan b)

He is here. He is here. How thankful i am to feel His presence. 
He is here. He is here. How thankful i am that i can trust Him. 
to Him.
God reigns;
man does not
so i offer up to him, my Broken Hallelujah

With my love and my sadness
I come before You Lord
My heart's in a thousand pieces
Maybe even more

Yet I trust in this moment
You're with me somehow
And You've always been faithful
So Lord even now

When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah

Oh Father, You have given
Much more than I deserve
And I have felt Your hand of blessing
On me at every turn

How could I doubt Your goodness
Your wisdom, Your grace
So Lord hear my heart
In this painful place

I lift my voice
Your Spirit moves
I raise my hands
I reach for You

1 comment:

Kathy said...

Shannon, I am sooo sorry you are dealing with this. You, Parker, and your whole family are in my prayers. Praying God continues to give you strength and lead you in a direction that will make a difference.

"Every valley will be exalted. Every mountain made low."