April 11, 2009


Today is the 2 year anniversary of my diagnosis of Lyme Disease.
never did i ever think 2 years ago that i would still be fighting for my life.
never in a million years.
in some ways it feels like yesterday.
in other ways it feels like it has been forever.
God has been present every agonizing step of the way.

my diagnosis was a miracle in itself.
however that being said following up the word diagnosis with miracle is really a bittersweet irony.
think about it.

diagnosis is defined as "the identification of a disease - as in - something is wrong, amiss, not as it should be"
miracle is defined as "an ama
zing or wonderful occurrence; marvelous event brought about by divine intervention"

now, see the irony in the two being lumped together?

miracle + diagnosis...tough to reconcile, a bittersweet agony... but a miracle nonetheless

i was sick for 9 long months before i was finally properly diagnosed
during those 9 months, i saw many doctors and specialists, went thru a plethora of tests and heard preliminary diagnosis' of MS, lymphoma, bone cancer, CFS, RA, and skeletal TB...just to name a few
it was a very scary and frustrating time

but even so,
God was always walking ahead of me (us)
and he was also working in my heart, calling me to let go and let Him

it's tough to fully relinquish control when your heart is seized with fear, panic, desperation
as each possible diagnosis was ruled out, my need for a diagnosis became my sole focus
i was bound and determined to figure it out,
determined to NAME the nemesis that was systematically destroying my mind and body,
driven to KNOW what it was so I could DO something about it
and yet no matter how hard i searched, no answer could be found

thru it all, God
's still voice was calling to me to TRUST Him
in the midst of the darkness, he continually brought to mind Proverbs 3:5-7 (The Message):

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do; everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume you know it all.
Run to God. Run from evil."

it was a process to finally relinquish complete control to Him

for me, that process meant letting go of the search for diagnosis, letting go of the need to know, letting go of the panic of not knowing, letting go of the desperation, letting go and letting God. it was a difficult journey to totally submit my health, my questions, my fear, my life to Him.

ultimately, after 9 months of searching, i knew he was calling me to leave it in His hands
part of that call included following a biblical command...
James 5:14-15(NIV)

"Is anyone of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven"

going to the elders for prayer was my way of 'publicly' surrendering my need and desire for diagnosis.

i was very clear about that (or so i thought!) when i shared this with the group of elders that gathered to pray over me

BUT they ALL prayed for me to get DIAGNOSED!

i remember thinking that they sure didn't listen very well!
and then chastising myself for thinking such uncouth thoughts as these dear prayer warriors prayed over me

obviously God has a sense of humor...
and the miracle?

once i submitted all of it to God, He gave me the very answer i had been chasing after.
2 weeks after being prayed over, i was diagnosed with lyme.

i remember being completely overwhelmed with my diagnosis
i knew it was correct.
no doubt. not ever.

but it was completely earth shattering.
treatable? yes.
cure? possible but not likely.
the road to recovery? long, painful and arduous

i remember Graham and I driving home in shell shocked silence.
no relief.
just fear.

just a desperate need for comfort, solace, peace.

i remember stumbling into the house and going straight for my Bible.
i flipped it open to Proverbs 3:5-7, my TRUST verse, the verse which God had used to bring me to diagnosis.
as i got to the end of those verses, the following verse jumped out at me as if the very words were alive and breathing...there at the end of my TRUST verse, was my promise of healing.

Proverbs 3:8 (The Message)

"Your body will glow with health,
your very bones will vibrate with life."

little did i know how significant, how comforting, how needed that promise of healing would be (and still is).

really, we had no idea.

we had no idea the horror that lay ahead.
who could even imagine or comprehend the magnitude of the battle before us.
that promise has proved, over and over again to be my saving grace.
without a doubt

that was April 11, 2007
and now here i am 2 years later...and counting

and still waiting for his healing
daily having to leave the timing of that in his hands.

today has been a struggle to get through
i am so very ready for this to be over
so ready for the miracle of diagnosis to be finished with the miracle of healing

its tough. no. actually it is an agony. bittersweet agony.
but i continue to cling to God, His trustworthiness and His promise of healing

as i was logging on here tonight to try and sort through my mess of emotions and thoughts, i received an email from the "Under Our Skin" Blog (http://underourskin.com/blog/) with a link to the following song, "When The Healing Comes". It was written by Lisa Bevill, a Christian recording artist, during her battle with Lyme disease.

When The Healing Comes

(you can listen by clicking on the following link)

I’m here before you Jesus on bended knee
Praying for an answer, that’s my plea
Oh I’ve been crying for a healing that hasn’t come

So I’ll just keep on waiting, for that day
Oh..you’re so mysterious..that’s your way
I know you’ve got it all figured out..
For the angels to shout allelujah
So I’ll just keep on pressing in,..for your healing hand

And when the healing comes
Whether here and now, or in the clouds
I’ll be loving you and my faith will stay
Right here and I’ll hold on
Can’t nobody move me I
’ll be first in line, when the healing comes
The healing comes down

So hold me Jesus till I make it through
Cause I need to see the sunshine and skies of blue
Oh I’ll be praying for the healing waters to wash my pain away
So I’ll just keep on pressing in for your healing hand

And when the healing comes
Whether here and now, or in the clouds
I’ll be loving you and my faith will stay
Right here and I’ll hold on
Can’t nobody move me no
I’ll be first in line, when the healing comes
The healing comes down, I will hold on
Can’t nobody move me no
I’ll be first in line, when the healing comes
When the healing comes, healing comes down
Oh yeah, so I’ll just keep on pressing in

Written by: Lisa Bevill, Lisa Bevill Music @ASCAP 2007

that song was just what i needed to hear today.
its amazing how He knows what we need before we even need it and in spite of what we think we need, He knows better...

...in the most surprisingly miraculous of ways.


Renee said...

You have expressed so much of what I feel, here in this posting. I needed to hear your journey and struggle and fears and TRUST and your courage to keep going. ..as you hang on to the promises of GOd. I am right there with you along with so many others. Leaning on the promises of God!


Renee said...

It took me over two weeks to accept my diagnosis. I believed for 23 years that I had CFIDS and MCS and nothing else...and I was AFRAID of what having Lyme meant. It totally shook my world.
Your honest feelings here had me nodding my head in agreement. I love the song!

Fighting Fatigue said...

I just wanted to let you know that your content is being stolen by the website, http://www.lymphaticsystem.info. I found several of my posts from Fighting Fatigue on their website and I have reported them to Wordpress. You might want to do the same thing.

s. said...

thx Renee
i truly appreciate all your commments - they always leave me feeling as if i've just been embraced in a warm, gentle hug.

s. said...

thx so much for the heads up, fighting fatigue...will defenately check into it.


Fighting Fatigue said...

I contacted Wordpress but because the site is not a Wordpress blog (it just uses a Wordpress theme), Wordpress couldn't do anything. I did contact godaddy.com, the domain host. I haven't heard anything back yet.