THAT FAMILIAR FEELING

the better part of last week was pretty rough.

i had a sharp increase in the intensity of my symptoms. it generally came on around 4pm and lasted until 9 or 10am the next morning...then for the most part i was able to push through the day until 4pm rolled around again...
but between 4pm and 9am was pretty brutal...drenching night sweats,shaking chills, tremors, comatose like fatigue, non stop headache, that gruesome internal pressure that slowly ebbs it's way up your spine until it has a vice like grip on your neck and your head feels like it will implode, and my brain turns to complete mush - i feel it coming on - much like you can see the misty fingers of fog rolling in over the ocean, so the fog creeps over my brain until it is a fuzzy, encapsulated entity of inability to reason, process (as in, 'i can see you and i can see your lips moving but i have no idea what you are saying') or cope with the noise or hustle and bustle around ...

reality is blurred out and insanity reigns...
and that familiar feeling of "this nightmare will NEVER end" is a hysteria that seizes your heart and threatens to knock the fight out of you

sigh.
all classic hallmarks of babesia
so was it the babs being active or the babs actively dying off (which would mean this could have been a herx?)
i am loathe to label this a herx
that would just be far too exciting a prospect to consider!
huh? how so?
well for starters i'm used to herxing leaving me bedridden for weeks on end
this one was relatively short lived and was relatively easy to cope with...of course, if you had asked me when i was in the throes of an episode last week i might have told you differently

but
i'm used to THINKING i am dying
rather
than just FEELING like i am dying

trust me, that alone is a huge difference!
dare i hope that this was a herx indeed ...and my body just more effectively handled the toxic load of a die off?
that would be so cool
and
it would certainly be in keeping with the progress i have been making since starting my green goo

and there has been progress
massive progress
and given the high level of stress we are dealing with in regards to parker, the fact that i am experiencing any level of progress, let alone such a remarkable amount of progress is nothing short of miraculous.

since the beg. of sept i have managed to go for a 20 minute walk almost everyday. in the beginning it was a stretch - by the time i'd get home my joints would ache, i'd be exhausted, have blurred vision and i'd be swollen and puffy. this was probably most likely due to the exercise helping to release toxins from my system.
as the weeks have progressed, my symptoms have become less pronounced and i've been able to slowly increase my walking pace. now i'm working on increasing my time from 20 to 30 min.

i've been to church. i had not been to church since early spring...and now i've gone 4 sundays in a row.
and
i've even made it to our Bible Study group. 2 times. i only made it to bible study a total of 2 times last year.
and
i've even seen a return to some of my ahem, "domestic skills"...like having the energy to make school lunches (when i don't forget, oopsy!)
and having the brain power to navigate a recipe and bake?
yup, been there, done that this week.

i made cookies for our bible study group.
disturbing? yes. appropriate? probably not.
bet they're glad i'm back.

yes, all this progress is awesome
and scary

i want to embrace it yet i hold it at an arms length
am i finally, really, truly at the place where my herxes will merely be speed bumps on my road to recovery rather than the cavernous pits they have been up til now?

it is overwhelmingly awesome and scary.

i've made progress before only to have ability ripped from my grasp time and time again...this recent progress has me experiencing a new found level of wellness. oh, how i yearn for THAT to be the familiar feeling.

i hate that i can so easily fall prey to that familiar feeling of "this nightmare will NEVER end"
but
but i will keep trusting that progress is being made...even in the moments when it doesn't feel like it.

ONWARD. UPWARD.