NOISE

so taylor and his team lost.
bummer.
but
they got a nice nod in our provinces' big newspaper:

"Burnett, a team filled with size and talent, was able to put points on the board in a hurry when palmer went to the bench. But the one player who scored consistently was elliot mason, who drained a game high of 33 points in the loss. taylor goertzen added 32 points while twin forwards joeman and joeco fong each scored 15 points."

(THE PROVINCE -read complete article by clicking here)

and they've still qualified for the Vancouver & District Triple A Playoffs. if they place within the top 4 teams at those playoffs than they will advance to the BC Provincial Championship. that is exciting!

so they lost
but
really there was no shame in losing to the team they did. palmer really did rip up the court. it was insane.
and
you know, i'm pretty sure i took the loss harder than the team did.

so they lost.
not such a big deal
but
i lost it.
in my head.
in a tailspin of emotionality
and
it really had very little to do with their loss.
that was only the catalyst in cranking up the noise that has been playing in my head all week

LOSING has been the noise in my head.
quite frankly, it feels like we've been on the losing end of things for a while now.

yup, losing has been the noise in my head this week.
a private personal war loudly raging in my head
the noise is a tape that has played a continuous loop of,

"i've got a coup on the longest losing streak ever."
"i'm not good enough"
"things never get better, they only get worse"
"we're always on the losing end of things. it's no fair."
and
"when's it going to be our turn to win?"

i could go on
but
i'm sure you get the general ugly gist of my loser attitude.
rather
what i need to do is hit

pause
rewind
erase

all that tape produces is the non-stop streaming noise of
bitterness
anger
rage
cynicism
and
self pity

i recognize the undulating noise in my head is understandable
a natural part of processing this difficult journey
probably even necessary to live with it awhile in order to process

so long as i don't get stuck in it
or
get hung up in it
or
believe that the noise is true.
it's not
it only feels that way sometimes.
but wow,
can that noise ever be deafening at a times.

this morning, i had time and energy coincide and so i was finally able to spend some time catching up on writing some long overdue Christmas Thank You cards.

i have a lot to be thankful for.
it's amazing what a little thankfulness can do to silence the noise.