October 31, 2011


last week, when we were at the hospital to check on viral picc (parker's picc line) he had an x-ray of his chest to check on viral picc and where he was hanging out in parker's chest. turns out he's much higher up than he should be,  however we already knew that. there was no clot. and the IV nurses deemed him acceptable. they also commented on what beautiful bone structure parker had. okay, he was like, you are wierd and i am totally embarassed. it was cool to see and they let us take a picture of it. considering the time of year, i thought it was pretty spooktacular.

speaking of that time of year, tonight is hallowe'en. i've been dealing with a rather low lying level of anxiety as the month of october marched on. last year our home was a house of horrors. i've been reflecting stuffing it down and trying to ignore the trauma of last october. yet, worry and fear that that could happen again have ebbed in now and again as the date approached.

i put on quite a spooktacular show the end of october last year - 911 had to be called, the police showed up, and an ambulance whisked me away. i begged everyone to just let me die. i was in a very dark place. at the hospital i underwent a lovely round of psychiatric evaluations. due to a bed shortage in the ER, i ended up in a bed in the casting room. a special type of box cutter used for cutting casts was within arms reach of my bed. but that's ok. the nurses made me promise that i wouldn't try to hurt myself with it. 

obviously i kept my promise. 
the casting knife remained untouched.
psych evaluation concluded that i wasn't crazy nor having a nervous breakdown...rather, my psychiatric symptoms were due to infection. 
thank you bartonella for the traipse through hell.
DR H immediately started aggressive abx to target the bartonella
for the next 6 months, we battled bartonella with a battery of abx artillery, in fact, i was still on a med for bartonella up until august.

as the end of this month has neared, thoughts have been pressing in on me; 
did we slay the bartonella beast? 
is it truly dead and gone? 
what if i go off my rocker again?

i'm pleased to report i haven't. in fact, i took the kids trick or treating. i dressed up as myself... and i did not terrify any small children nor display any signs of erratic behaviour. in fact, we had a wonderful evening. after a wee bit of trick or treating, we piled into our van and made our way to our friend's home. we socialized and had a ball until late into the evening.

last year i was suicidal, bawling and slightly crazy.
this year, i socialized, had a ball and was not the least bit crazy...

ok, well, not quite....the fact that my daughter refused to wear her costume, the very costume that took an epic THREE HOURS of shopping before she found the "perfect" one, did drive me a little crazy! i think it's safe to say that that is enough to make the most stable person a little nuts!

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