SHATTERED

 

that calm front I've been trying to keep erected forever and ever is gone

shattered

in a million pieces

I’ve shattered

a million pieces

scattered across the floor

I don’t remember much of this past week

there were some warning signs

in the form of physical collapses

stuttering

crying

guttural screaming

shaking

and

shaking

before

finally falling to the floor

I figured I should ask for help

but

help from whom?

who can help anyway?

ask God?

it’s awfully hard to ask for help from someone you are angry at and feel abandoned by.

and

my husband’s overwhelmed

and

my friends have their own problems

and

their own pain

and

they really don’t need to be saddled with a chronically sick deject

I’m blessed by the ones that have stuck around

and

don’t want to burden them anymore than I already have

lest they just quietly drift away

many already have

which doesn't totally surprise me despite the fact it often leaves me wondering why 

maybe I’m seen as a plague, or too needy, too weak or too strong,

or over-dramatic and attention seeking

maybe my pain is too real, too uncomfortable, too all-encompassing

or maybe they think that tragedy is contagious

or maybe some diseases are more valid, more real, more serious and therefore are more deserved of the effort it takes to come together and support.

do you really not know what to say?

or is that what you tell yourself in order to

to excuse yourself from entering into to my suffering?

after all, I never needed you to know what to say

all I needed,

was for you to just hold my hand

and

i never expected you to know what to say,

all i expected

was that you would simply be with me in my pain

your silence has been deafening, your retreat was confusing..

but

what right do I have to clamor for your help, your support anyway?

after all, i'm not the greatest friend around right now

so i count my blessings

focus on what is and not what was or what i wish was

and

i stuff down my neediness and my over inflated expecations

and i soldier on

through THIS

THIS,

THIS,

THIS what?

I don’t even know how to articulate what THIS is

 

THIS HORROR THAT ENCAPSULATES MY LIFE

my every moment of everyday

this endless suffering

my own and my childrens

this endless suffering

from which I cannot escape

not even in sleep

haven’t slept in weeks, probably months

THIS

not getting a break

THIS

endless suffering

THIS

not having a vehicle

THIS requirement that I exist in THIS impossible state of being;

as a sick parent

as a parent of 2 sick kids

as a patient

as a caregiver

as a teacher

as a counselor

as a cheerleader

raw, raw, raw

we can do it team

fake it til you make it

THIS oppressive burden

that I must carry all, 

do all 

and 

be all

and

at all costs, keep hope afloat

after all, they are watching me

they need me to be strong

they need me to cope

they need me to keep the faith

and

I must do this

I have to do it

i cannot fail them

mama’s can’t opt out

they can’t not be fine

and

they must never, ever break

mama’s fine

I have to be

because everyone counts on me

to keep hope afloat

I’m fine

I smile

and pretend I’m not sick

or in pain or that i hurt or that i'm scared

or worried i'm fighting a battle I can never really win

i'm fine, I say, a 100 times a day

maybe one day I’ll actually believe it

mama’s fine

kinda sorta maybe not

not when I see their pain

I can’t turn it off

tune it out

or

make it better

I just absorb it

their pain, their suffering, their anger, their frustration, their hurt, their shattered dreams

I absorb it all

succinctly feel it all

bear it all

and

intrinsically know there is much that they hide and leave unspoken

and

when the verbiage comes, it is in a confusing torrent of contradictory emotions

love me

hold me

leave me

back off

hold on

let go

go away

come back

here's a list of 123 reasons why u suck as a parent

you're the best parent in the world

and 

i bleed under the brunt of their twisted tirades of confusion, anger, frustration and questions.

and

i'm terrified of the abject chaos that decended upon our home, our hearts, our family, our lives, their lives when the natural order of growing up was interrupted by disease. when that "difficult enough under normal circumstances" fight for autonomy and for separation was thwarted by the dependency that occurs when a disease clips your wings at precisely the time in your life when should be set free to fly.

and

this is all new territory 

our family is in uncharted territory precariously tossed to and fro

and no one feels like they belong

or how to get a long or what to be or what to do or what their role is

everywhere I look there is utter devastation

shattered dreams

and

mama can’t make it better

and

they know it

i've given them my best

and it is not enough

never was

never will be

and mama can't protect them

and

they know it

and

i don't know if i can live with that

my secret has been exposed

newsflash

I’m not superwoman

not that I every thought that I was

just hoped that I could pretend long enough to get them through this horror

 

i am pharmacist

I am patient

I am caregiver

I am teacher

I am councilor

I am comedian

I am nurse

I am friend

I am cheerleader

I am a mind reader

I am wife

I am mother

but superwoman, i am not.

so i just soldier on.

Do more be more
Stay strong don't break

soldier on

thru the pain and exhaustion and illness, and darkness.

gotta keep hope afloat

soldier on

through the weariness, the loneliness, the nothingness

soldier on til you collapse

into an inarticulate stuttering, sweaty heap of exhausted lunacy

traumatize the kids

make your apologies

pull yourself  up

dust yourself off

and soldier on

and keep pretending that you’re fine

accept that you're no superwoman

but

soldier on anyway.

I am strong. 

I can cope. 

I am fine.

soldier on

and

march

your ‘fineness’ right past the point of no return.
the third time was the charm

cumulative effect of running on empty, no relief, no respite, utter exhaustion and  being hit hard with a herx

at least the little ones weren’t home

I don’t remember much

but

I know I went nuts

how it all happened

the order with which it occurred is unclear

only that I found myself on the floor

making these god awful inhuman sounds

guttural shrieking

and

grief sobbing

then

blessed blankness

until

I saw the broken dishes

felt the yogurt in my hair

and

then they were there

the cops

the paramedics

and I was cowered in a corner

a puddle of tears curving out from under my knee

snot pouring out of my nose

and

I figured that I must look crazy

and

I really didn’t care

I am crazy

take me away

lock me up

and throw away the key

my family would be better off without me 

please make it stop

please

please

please let me sleep

give me something to make me sleep

is it so terribly wrong to pray for permanent relief?

I’m shattered

can’t you hear the thousand shards of me tinkling across the floor

somehow, from somewhere, in the midst of the wreckage

they call out to me

in their broken, beyond repair despair

I can still hear their melody of hope playing.

you’re fine

you’ll be okay

but I just don’t know if I care enough to listen anymore

I’m just too tired of fighting this beast in my brain.

i just can't soldier on anymore

this beast has left me shattered

but

apparently, according to the psychiatrists,  I’m not crazy.

both the non-lyme docs and my lyme doc agree.

I’m not nuts, depressed, bipolar or psychotic.

oh really?

personally, I happen to disagree.

are you trying to play mind games with me?

for years, non-lyme docs have been trying to boil down my complicated medical picture to some sort of depression.

and I’ve been telling them no.

I’m not depressed. I’m not nuts.

I have an infection.

and now

I’m telling them I am nuts

and

they don’t believe me.

nope,

I’m not nuts.

I’m having seizures. the seizures are crazy. but I am not. and they’re being triggered by

that infection in your brain– you know, “that infection” that they still won’t acknowledge I have.

and that

is enough to make anyone nuts.

just sayin’

and if none of this makes sense

or some of it sounds nuts

i wouldn't be surprised

i'm doped up on all sorts of meds.

anti convulsants

anti seizure

pain meds

it's a whole wack of fun. i'm home from the hospital now. cooped up in my room. can't walk straight. sometimes i laugh. sometimes i cry. sometimes i feel normal. most often i don't. DR H keeps calling to check in on me. sometimes i can talk. sometimes i can't. but he just keeps right on talking and he keeps making really bad jokes. somebody get that doc some new material. at any rate, he hasn't given up on me. apparently, i'm not beyond repair. i don't believe him. and i told him that. and he told me he doesn't care what i think...he doesn't listen to crazy people anyway. ha ha.

and did you know that thing 1 and thing 2 came by for a visit last nite? 

and johnny canuck and michael jackson showed up to.

at least i'm not alone in my insanity