November 6, 2010


so yesterday (last thursday) we left for seattle
i rolled out of bed
slapped on a toque
a pair of sunglasses
and made my decent down the stairs
that tired me out
made me feel unsteady
so i had a seat in the living room
then i barfed and barfed and barfed.
thankfully not in the living room
but in the porcelain bowl
i felt absolutely wretched
every bone in my body hurts
i'm running fevers
can't walk straight
my brain keeps going numb
every time it goes numb
it makes my body do weird things
like scream and shake and rage and sweat and barf
my equilibrium is gone
i exist in this numbed out state, traipsing in and out of insanity

and in this state
i find
i must travel to washington state
DR H sending me to DR D
to see if she can shed light

on my ever decreasing capacity to live in reality
this barfing that started the day after my hospitalization

the retching is earth shatteringly loud
and the mere prospect of having it happen in public should be deterrent enough
my brain has a mind of it's own right now

i made the 30 minute drive to the border without incident
and then, just past customs, i knew it was coming
pull over man, i gotta barf
over the over pass
left on H street
grassy knoll
stop the car
out i roll
out it rolls
down to acid know
as i haven't kept anything down since wednesday morning
after christening america
i slept on and off for the remainder of the drive
didn't barf again til we got to the hotel
in i went
in my haste
i didn't shut the door to the hall
so there i was 
in a frightfully loud and obscene way
echoing off the 4 corners of the barren bathroom

on and on and on, i retched and barfed and retched
when i was finally done
graham said,
"oh NAICE! the door wasn't shut"
so, now, in addition to traumatizing my family and my dog all week,
i've now probably traumatized every patron in the entire hotel

what is up with the barfing anyway?

there seems to be no rhyme or reason to why
i have no nausea, no upset stomach
just before it starts happening
my brain starts to feel weird, kinda numb-like
i dunno, it's hard to explain
and after ward,
i completely zone out and get that sleepy drugged up feeling
generally, i fall asleep pretty quick after
no matter the time of day
the barfing happens about 4 times a day

DR D is pretty sure that the bartonella infection has just gotten really out of hand with me. DR D's clinical findings are in keeping with what DR H figured was happening. the bart has caused significant inflammation in my brain, neck, kidneys and liver. in addition, i'm running fevers and my lymph nodes in my armpits, chest and neck are swollen and very, very tender. the bartonella infection and subsequent inflammation of it, triggered the seizures which in turn has triggered the barfing.

i'm not surprised
me too
it's all a little hard to comprehend and i'm a little foggy on the details
basically, my brain is pretty messed up
that's obvious
but it's not me, it's bartonella 

i was worried i'd barf during my appt with DR D...but cooperative patient that i am, i made it all the way through it
i started retching and barfing.
graham said the sound didn't ricochet too badly through the office walls

after our appt we left for home
graham was starving
poor guy hadn't really had a decent meal since we left for seattle
a sick, barfing wife can put a bit of a damper on eating out
but after DR Ds
i was feeling a bit better
a little more stable
i was starving too
so we stopped for some food
cheap, quick and oh so good and so fresh and organic to boot
did i really refer to something organic as cheap?
you bet
highly recommend it
it is delicious
we've gotten other friends hooked on it.

so my spicy, mexican rice bowl remained in my gut
(see what i mean, no rhyme or reason?)
we headed home
i slept on and off
an hour into our drive
we stopped for coffee
i had tea
30 minutes afterward
and i knew
that tea would not stay down
pull over
there i am
in the rain
in the gutter
i choose the gutter over a gas station bathroom
it's more private
and cleaner
my retching is so loud and so terrible
and my brain feels really numb during these episodes and i need graham by my side
god bless him for loving me thru THAT.
all of it
this screeching, rethching, overwhelmingly insanity that is our life

so the last placed i barfed was in ferndale
in the back end of an outlet mall parking lot
(gives outlet a whole knew meaning)
i barfed and retched so hard
that i burst the veins in my legs
there i sat
squatting in the gutter
puke pooling on the concrete
tears slipping down my cheeks

episode over
we pulled away
from my vomitous waste
not planning to return. ever.
well, like who would do that? who would want to do that?
you know what's coming next, don't you?
2 minutes down the road,
i bolted upright from reclined position
stomach lurching
panic filling my throat
i squeaked,
"my phone! where's my phone?"

quick search of the car
no phone
then we knew, with certain dread
the phone was at THE SPOT
so we returned to THE SPOT

the spot was easily identifiable
even in the dark, rainy night
because i had covered up that shadowy vomitous pool with some tissue paper
like a corpse in the street
sigh of relief
as we spotted my phone lying beside it

i guess this admission outs me as a litter bug
i'm sorry bout that
really i am
my barf deserved a little dignity
so i had covered it up with a little piece of charmin
yes, it's bad for the environment
if there is truth in advertising
than those charmin bears might be grateful for a little free tissue

i made it over the border without incident
finally arrived home
to a very hairy, very fluffy, very wiggly, very WET welcome
puppy peed on me within 2 minutes of arriving home
as if barfing on the side of the road all day wasn't bad enough

and that about sums it up

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