November 13, 2008

THE TUG OF WAR

i am at the lowest point i have ever been.

i am so tired. so weak. so overwhelmed. so broken.
i am consumed with grief over all that has been lost
this fight, this suffering just goes on and on and on and on.
and I just can't take it anymore

i am physically, mentally and emotionally drained.
i am totally wiped out.
i have not an ounce of fight left in me.


i have quit taking all my meds.
i stopped a week ago.
i have jokingly referred to it as being my self-imposed drug holiday
but the brutal truth is that

i have given up.
i do not have the courage to go on.
i do not have the strength to fight.

i do not have the will to move forward.

right now stopping treatment feels like the lesser of two evils.
i hurt so bad. but i hurt more when i take my meds.
at least without treatment there is no horrendous herxing to endure,
and no expectation that i will get better

and so i have come to a grinding, soul shattering stand still.
i am caught in a deadlock.
a stalemate raging inside me.

a tug of war between the voice of God and the voice of doubt.

i am holding on to what God has said.
he has promised me healing,
even though the when, where and how remain a silent mystery
he has called me to Trust Him,
even though it appears that there is no end in sight

But the reality is that
i am struggling to silence the voice in my head that is screaming,
the fight is futile.
there is no cure.
the voice of doubt that shrieks,
treatment is pointless
there is no progress.

19 months of treatment and not a single day, a single hour that i have been symptom free.

19 months of treatment and still no end in sight.

Sounds like, Looks like, feels like a deafening roar of confirmation that i am fighting a losing battle.

This voice of doubt is a blood thirsty banshee
and it is threatening to crowd out my ability to hear the voice of God.


i am in a dark and desperate tug of war

his is the voice i need to hear
his is the voice i need to listen to
his is the voice of truth

i heard this song on the radio yesterday and it is my gut wrenching cry for this tug of war that i am in
:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWB-uqfBGMY&feature=related


lord, give me the courage to believe your voice of truth
lord, give me the strength to fight
lord, give me the will to survive




2 comments:

jadeybelle said...

I just wanted to say hang in there, I know the confusion about treatment, to know or not to know, to put your body through more or not too.

I want to tell you it will all work out, don't give up faith, I know what the lows are all about, and when I am in one I know I will come out from it. You need to regain your strength, and positivity and the rest will fall into place for what you are to do next.

My love and prayers

Keri Schultz

Jensboys said...

Shannon ... I really don't know what to offer you in the way of encouragement or hope because I know so little about your fight. But I DO know you have 3 amazing reasons (ok 4, counting Graham :) ) to fight until you win.

Those babies (big and small) need YOU. YOU are irreplaceable to them. YOU are what they need and they NEED you to fight. To get back on the train that feels like its going nowhere but is really heading towards healing and battle, for THEM. If you have no more reason to fight for you anymore, you have every reason anyone could ever ask for in your kids.

You HAVE TO win. You HAVE TO. You can not let this disease rob your children. You are doing this so that one day (soon, soon, soon) A will learn what its like to have a healthy mommy, so that P will be able to remember when you were strong, so that T can go off into adulthood with happy memories of his last years at home.

With the emotional battles I have fought the last couple years, somedays that was the ONLY reason I faced another day. And maybe you have to remember how very, very lucky you are to have those precious 3 and refuel your fighting engines for them, even if you have given up for yourself.

Hugs, love and prayers my sister friend. FIGHT. You must. We all need you.

Jen