December 18, 2008


white feathers aplenty, black feathers galore
this is my ode to the fine feathered friends
whose downy plumage I simply adore

Welcome to the Goertzen Christmas Bird Sanctuary
we're a safe haven for birds...or so it would appear
I say welcome, my husband says beware

every Christmas he gripes and complains
what do feathers have to do with Christmas anyway?
he goes on and on in a tirade of rants
i simply can't understand his failure to see their fluffy elegance

He goes on to grumpily wonder aloud
why does my house resemble a chicken coop?
I roll my eyes and cheerfully reply
thankfully these birds will not christen this coop with any poop

from time to time he can be overheard
asking the cheekiest of questions
are those feathered trees or rectal thermometers used on a bird?
i shrug my shoulders and brazenly retort
they're not real chicks nor do they cheep
our feathered decor is simply chic and really cheap
oh joy! i made that tree for a dollar ninety three!

my ability to decorate is slightly impaired
due to a tick that has made me ridiculously sick
enter miss sharon, as she's known to most
my multi talented girlfriend extraordinaire
who shares my affinity for fine feathered decor

this year and last she gave me a gift
cheerfully, magically she transformed my home
gave freely of her time, talents and energy
all the while calling it nothing
yet to me it meant everything
i am touched and blessed
and completely mesmerized by my 'Ginter' Christmas tree
a majestic showstopper of fine feathered splendor

now back to my husband
who is off in a corner grumpily shaking his head
i'm perturbed by his petulant behavior
yet in fairness to him i must admit
he has good reason for his obvious agitation

if you hear the whole story
you will understand his disgruntled irritation
after all, he has quite the bird history
it includes more than one scary story

I'll start with the one that took place one sunday morn
taylor discovered a poor baby starling
it was obviously injured and sadly dying
the boy was completely forlorn
"please can we save the birdy?"
begged our boy to his daddy
my man was sure the poor little bird was beyond repair
a sad lesson to learn for our boy of eleven
harder yet still for his father to teach
"its suffering son" said my man to his boy
"i think it'd be best if we helped expedite it's trip to heaven"

working around the lump in his throat
and with great care and compassion
my man wielded his axe
and prepared to carry out his mission
in one fell swoop, no pun intended
the baby bird he beheaded
unfortunately his thumb went with it

the moment my husband lopped off his thumb
the drama of the death of the bird was forgotten
a panicked call to 911 ensued
an ambulance ride was desperately required

6 weeks of rehab happily saved most of his thumb

not before every nurse, doctor and surgeon alike
laughingly inquired, wanting to know
why he'd used an 8lb axe on a 5 ounce bird

and then i can recall a time several years ago
when we returned from a holiday
to find something amiss
it wasn't long before we discovered
2 little birds living in our gingerbread house
and another had set up roost in Avery's room

it's avery's nursery not a bird aviary
graham yelled at the birds, as if they understood
2 hours later he could be found
running in circles with broom madly waving
the birds were all squawking and flapping and pooping
what a mess
even i was not impressed

i'm sure you've all heard that old saying
'birds of a feather flock together'
this is where my dad enters this story
he stands with my husband in his anti bird solidarity
taking it a step further
he disgustedly states
crows are a societal menace

can't say i blame my dear old dad
for claiming that crows really are bad
for years the poor man has engaged in a war
man vs crow
for reasons we may never know
he has been bullied and ridiculed by more than one crow

he's convinced the black feathered fiends are capable of stalking
dear old dad has a point, i have to agree
the minute he steps outside to go walking
those dastardly crows start cawing evilly
and then over and over again they dive bomb him

for years he's endured their menacing attacks
over and over
we've seen him run for cover

truth be told
his battles are really
a sight to behold
we try not to laugh, it's really not funny
imagine if birds picked on you when you are old

and now i will end with one last story
this one's about a vehicular crow slaughter
but first i must offer a reader beware
for this one is rather quite controversial

recently Graham ran over a crow
he swears it was an accident
reliable witnesses do not agree
more like oopsy accidentally on purpose
comes their adamant decree

he insists he is innocent
that the dumb crow just got in his way
he claims he swerved to miss his prey
yet all who were there were sure beyond reasonable doubt
that no breaks were engaged
in fact, it appears he gunned the engine instead

his guilt was confirmed later that day
when he gleefully exclaimed
dad, i did that for you!

now i hope you understand
the reasons why my husband is jaded
little by little each holiday season
i patiently hope his hostility has faded

i plant words of peace and joy
in the branches of our Christmas tree
hoping to send out subliminal messages
after all its not good for him to be bitter

i know he tries with all his might
to join me in my Christmas decor delight
yesterday surely is proof of this
i came home and was surprised to discover
my IV pole festooned in holiday splendor

now you must excuse me
the kids are all screaming
daddy just ran by and he's wielding his axe
i think a gentle reminder is needed

the birds are not real, dear and honest to goodness, the turkey really is dead

1 comment:

Jensboys said...

Hilarious!!! I was thinking of you when I wrote about how NOT crafty I am NOT turning feathers into Christmas decorations! :)