June 1, 2009

I WILL WALK BY FAITH


"we walk by faith, not by sight" - 2 cor 5:17


Blindsided. Shell shocked. Disbelief. Numb. Reeling.


MRI results came back today.

i have 2 lesions in my brain.


one in the frontal region

the second in the lateral ventricle

they are small but they are there

in there
in me
in my head


i am screaming a silent scream.


i was not remotely prepared to hear this.

nope.

not in a million years.

i knew it was a possibility but i didn't believe it would really be


what exactly IS a brain lesion? click here for a brief explanation


many questions but not many answers at this point.

couldn't think, couldn't ask, couldn't process


2.5 years ago, i had a 'clean' MRI
now i don't

how? why? now what?



all i can recall,
i will need follow up MRIs to track them

and thru the fog, i heard DR A solemnly say that while it is never good to find these things, these findings do support my lyme diagnosis. so this is good from that perspective.

GOOD?
oh, i know what he meant and it's ok he said that - he was authentically compassionate and solemn and gentle as he broke the news to us
but still
finding any part of this good?
easy for him to say...he's not the one with brain damage


left DR As office with graham in a state of shock

yup.
i am dazed and confused
(and have the scan to prove it!?!)

teetering on the brink of tears but too numb to cry

"this has to end. this has to end. i can't take it anymore."

one brief moment of hysteria
"get it out of my head. no. no. no. i don't understand this. i don't get it...and that has nothing to do with brain damage!"

i sob without tears
heart pounding in throat

search for peace amidst pounding, grieving heart

"oh, that's right. i don't have to get it. i'm not expected to."

i just have to

trust
trust
trust

found a lot of comfort at the praying for lymies site this week

tonight the words of this song were just what i needed to hear


WALK BY FAITH
click here if you'd like to listen to the song

Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to RID my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With the one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, ya

well i will walk by faith
even when i cannot see
because this broken road
prepares your will for me

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me
(Repeat)
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Hallelujah, hallelujah


I will walk by faith, I will walk by faith,
I will walk by faith
I will walk by faith, I will walk by faith,
I will walk by faith
I will walk by faith, I will walk by faith,
I will walk by faith


"now, FAITH is the reality of what is hoped for, the proof of what is not seen" -Heb 11:1






6 comments:

Jennifer said...

Oh Shannon, imagine my shock when I saw my site listed in your post.

Would you like to be featured on the blog sometime? If so let me know by going to the blog and clicking at the top to "post 2 blog." I promise it won't actually post to the blog. I have to approve everything before it actually posts to blog. But in the message you send, be sure to leave contact information so that I can get in touch with you privately.

Renee said...

Oh Shannon
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this now too. Please know that I am lifting you up in prayer ~
Lord Jesus
Comforter, mountain-moving, earth shaking Lord...all powerful and all loving. We know you have a plan for good for Shannon and we lift her up to you this day as she deals with this devastating news. We pray for you to hold her tightly in Your loving arms, caress her with your gentle hands, and comfort her as only you can do. Bring her peace this day, bring her healing as only You, the great Healer can do.
In Jesus name
Amen

Jensboys said...

I know I could make some dumb joke :) but I know now is not the time. Shannon - I so understand the shock of a diagnosis you never expected or understand. I understand the pain and the anger too, and although I know that many will tell you to have faith and be strong etc, etc, etc, I want to remind you its ok to be weak for a while too. This stuff sucks BIG TIME. Its scary and awful and so hurtful too that we are "allowed" to experience it.

No matter WHAT you feel (even on those bad days) I am here ... love you friend.

Anonymous said...

We do indeed Walk By Faith as you so clearly are showing in your life. Thank you for blessing others while you are trusting for God's healing. Inspite of the tremendous load you have been asked to bear right now, I thank you for showing others that you can triumph and keep on believing in the darkest nights.Keep on Valiant Heart --- God IS working--Blessings ,Love & Prayers Betty

Patti-Rae Redekopp said...

HUG, HUG, HUG
Our family is praying for your family.
I feel so lost at what to do..praying seems so small...I wish I could take it all away and make it all better for you. But HE is a God of keeping His promises. TRUSTING with you.

Anonymous said...

HUG, HUG, HUG
Our family is praying for your family.
TRUSTING right along with you.
Wishing we could DO MORE...like take it all away.
A song we sang in service on Sunday...Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, wait upon the Lord, wait upon the Lord
Ken, Patti-Rae and Emilie Redekopp