THE AGONY OF THE FEARLESS FRONT

But He said to me, My grace, my favor, loving-kindness and mercy is enough for you. It is sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully; for My strength and power are made perfect, fulfilled and completed, and show themselves most effective in your weakness.

- 2 Corinthians 12:9 (Amplified Bible)

It has been awhile since I've done a Fearless Front entry.

Obviously most of September and October I was too sick to write. Despite the fact that I have been well enough to write in the past 2 weeks, I have had some serious 'Blogger's Block'. Generally speaking, getting my thoughts out on paper comes easily but that is not currently happening. My last couple of entries have been incredibly difficult to write; partly because my mind and my heart are so rife with turmoil that my thoughts just topple out in fragmented sentences that don't make a lot of sense. The 5 unpublished, half-finished entries sitting in my outbox are probably proof enough of that. But more than anything, it is because I am struggling to give myself permission to give voice to the wretchedness that has become my inability to keep fighting.

Deep down inside me, in the inner-most recesses of my soul, I know that God is working to bring about the healing that He has promised me. I trust Him. I believe Him. He is the solid foundation in which I base my life. So it bothers me immensely to be in the desolate, empty place I now find myself in.

However, it is important to me to remain authentic and transparent in my journey. That means facing and acknowledging that I am in a time and a place where the hopelessness has overwhelmed me; that the suffering has become too much to bear; that the intensity of the fight has so completely engulfed me that the thought of enduring another moment of it is so traumatic that it has paralyzed me with fear.

Yes, I am in the midst of the darkest night of my soul. And it would be easier to try and pretend it doesn't exist or ignore it. I would like nothing more than to avoid giving a voice to the disparity because I know that once this time has passed, it will be impossible to fully recall the intensity of the battle. The mind has a funny, blessed way of blocking out the memory of trauma in order to protect itself. I don't want to be in this moment, feel in this moment, live in this moment, let alone write about it. But I write so that when I look back on this journey, I can never think for one single moment that I survived it based on my own strength, tenacity, grit, courage or sheer determination. No, for me acknowledging my deepest, darkest moments serves to remind me that I do not have what it takes to do this in my own power. It is indeed God that carries me through. For it is in recognizing the weakness of my humanity that His power, His strength, His glory is revealed.


PS I want to thank each one of you who has taken the time to call me or message/email me. I am profoundly touched and humbled by your support, love and encouragement.