September 20, 2009


Here's what's been happening on the fearless front over the past 2 weeks:

"courage is standing at the bottom of the mountain, knowing that the climb is going to hurt like hell and climbing anyway."

there was much to explore on top of the mountain (in Whistler)
there were breathtaking views of the valley below
the snow capped peaks of the mountaintop that still towered above us
there was a craggy, boulder strewn hill before us

it wasn't long before the kids were wanting to "hike" up it
no one expected me to go along
no one even dreamed that it was possible

i was profoundly aware that i had to climb it

i didn't know why
i didn't know how
i knew i had to do it

i had to do it for my family
i had to do it for me

i had an innate sense of God's calling;

"TRUST me to give you the strength to climb this mountain."
and so i climbed.

when i reached the top, taylor remarked;

"wow, mom. all summer you were practically bedridden and now you just climbed a mountain."

it was (is) remarkable. it was (is) miraculous.

i climbed because i was called to
now i know why

conquering that rocky, boulder strewn hill on that mountain top is our family's tangible, visual symbol of the victory that is ours through Christ.

we can trust him to give us the courage to face the mountain and the strength to keep climbing until he ultimately gives us victory over it.

"one day at time - this is enough. do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. live in the present and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."

since starting my pre-digested goo, i am continuing to see a steady improvement. my blood work is continuing to show improvements. better than that, i can feel it. i am experiencing some semblance of "wellness" for 2-3 hours just about every day.

yes, little by little i am making progress.
it's quite remarkable.

physically, i no longer feel like i have one foot in the grave...yet after living in the valley of the shadow of death for so long, it is challenging to fear no evil.
it is not an irrational fear to have. it is perfectly understandable

while i hope the remarkable improvements that i have experienced over the past 4 weeks, mean that the worst is behind me, i recognize that i am not out of the woods, that there is still more mountain left to climb - and just how big, how high, how rocky and jagged it is remains to be seen. and i carry with me the knowledge that what lies ahead may be just as painful as what lies behind. abilities gained and improvements seen may once again be (temporarily) lost.

yes, everyday, i have a moment (or 2 or 3 or 1,000) where these fears overwhelm me just as surely as my everyday episodes of pain, fatigue and general retardedness do. i can look at my life - what is has been and what it is and what i hope for it to be and i can become easily overwhelmed with the mountain that still lies before me...and i fear plummeting back into the darkness and pain of the valley...
and i am not alone in feeling these fears
my kids
my husband
my family
feel and face these fears too

living in the valley brings with it a mountain of grief, pain, sorrow and loss for each of us - and some days that mountain can feel just as insurmountable as my physical fight.
yes, we're in this fight together
while we can claw, climb and fight our way up it together
healing in the valley and victory over the mountain
comes only through complete reliance and trust in God

just as surely as i must
TRUST Him to carry me up this mountain
i must also
TRUST Him to carry my family up it too

here's a small picture/video montage of our mountain top experience:


Renee said...

This is beautiful!!!! So inspirational and just what I needed today as we head to our LLMD. Joel's symptoms are so severe the doctor wants to see him and had a cancellation so we are heading to her office this am. We are heading to MN so will enjoy the fall leaves on the way...some trees have turned early this year.
This is just what I needed to hear today as with a family crisis and Joel's poor health and mine sliding backwards, I feel discouraged...Your post and pictures are just the boost I needed.
Soooooo glad to read you are doing better!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wonderful.

Anonymous said...

Thank You again for sharing your journey with us . I am deeply moved by the whole experience you had. God is so good and faithful. Thank you for continuing to keep your eyes on Him during this incredibley difficult journey.Your faith and trust in Him encourage me. God is making a way where there seemed to be no way. NOTHING is impossible with GOD. Love Betty