September 14, 2008


Plans change and fears must be faced.

"For God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
- 2 Timothy 1:7

We've spent the weekend on the Sunshine Coast in a little town called Roberts Creek. Friends of ours have a 'holiday home' there that they generously made available to us. Initially, the plan was for just Graham, Parker and Avery to go this weekend for a fun little get away. (Taylor was going to be away at a youth retreat.)

I was not planning to go for several reasons. For starters, I'm exhausted from my 'solo' week. Also, Graham and I are leaving on Monday for California to see Dr H. So the plan was for me to stay home alone this weekend in order to rest up from the week and build up some strength for our impending week away.

And quite honestly, I did not want to go to Roberts Creek as I have painful memories associated with it.

The last time we were in Roberts Creek was 2 summers ago. It was during that time that I became very sick and extremely symptomatic. I had excruciating bone pain, mind blowing headaches and incredible fatigue. I felt toxic. I felt as if I had poison coursing through my veins. My mind and body were doing strange and bizarre things and were becoming unfamiliar to me. It is also the last time that I was able to go for a run.

We now know that the bacteria that causes LD was already attacking my brain and central nervous system. But at the time all I knew was that I had a distinct sense of foreboding that something bad was happening with me. It was during that week that I looked at Graham and said something is very wrong with me. I have a feeling that we are about to enter into a very dark time in our lives.
Even as I write about it now, the memory of all the pain and confusion wells up from deep within and the grief spills down my cheeks.

And so my feelings associated with this little holiday home are not happy. They are painful. Very painful. It is the week that everything in my life and my family's life changed. It is the week that the me I knew ceased to exist.

As such, I have had no desire to return to Roberts Creek. Ever. And especially when I am still sick. I have been fearful of re-living the same experience over. I have been fearful of facing the memories. And have I mentioned yet that the Sunshine Coast is an endemic area for Lyme infected ticks? Ah, yes, I am not that thrilled with the plan for anyone in my family to go back to all that.

but plans change
and fears must be faced.

I went to Roberts Creek this weekend because Parker needed me.
And his needs supersede my fears.

Parker has had a rough transition back to school. He is having to face some fears too. We understand his fears because we have some trepidations about this year for him too. This past week has been hard on him and so I just couldn't see not being with him this weekend... especially given that we will be away all this week in California.

So, I went to Roberts Creek for Parker.
And I was forced to face my fears
and in doing so I reclaimed a piece of me.

And I pray that this weekend, Parker will have found the courage to face his fears too.

1 comment:

Graham said...

Sure glad you came with us Sweetie!